$7.00 Sex

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple
is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good bye.

A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

My worst birthday EVER

This is an absolute true story.

I was just about to turn 55 (which is traumatic enough). It was 11:15 at night. I was watching this documentary series on HBO about the Porn industry. Hey, it just happened to be on.

They were asking various porn stars a series of questions. One of the questions was “What WON’T you do?”

One by one they listed all manner of depraved acts. No double-penetration. No triple-penetration. No groups more than ten. No animals. No S & M. No vegetables. They were rattling off kinky and disgusting acts I didn’t even know were possible. The most humiliating, degrading sexual requests you could ever imagine.

Finally, they get to one girl who says, “Hey, whatever. They’re paying me. I’ll do just about anything…” and then she added, “As long as it’s not with a guy who’s like 55.”

That was it. My life was over. Torture was fine. Goats were fine. But sex with a 55 year old, that’s where you draw the line.

I spent that birthday in a fetal position under my desk familiarizing myself with what benefits I was entitled to under Medicare.

For Annoying Plane Passengers

What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating: Worth a shot???

1. Remove your lap top from its bag

2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully

3. Turn it ON

4. Ensure the passenger next to you is watching

5. Turn on the Internet

6. Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer

7. Take a deep breath and open this site: http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

8. Observe the facial expression of your neighbouring passenger.

9. Enjoy

School - 1957 vs. 2009

Scenario :
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2009 - School goes into lock down, Tactical Responce called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again..

Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2009 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.

Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.

School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs


Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.

Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.

Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School
gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.


Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to Uni, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.

State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.


Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2009 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.

Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to Uni.

2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state.

Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.

AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher.

English banned from core curriculum.

Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario :

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Cracker night, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2009- Tactical Responce , Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called.

Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Federal Police investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.

Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.

Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.

She faces 3 years in Prison.

Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Top 10 the worst company URLs

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

Google Toilet Paper

Google is going to take over the world.

According to informed source that Google will release Google brand toilet paper to the market soon, which made in low cost, human and nature resource rich country Vietnam.

The toilet paper is made 100% virgin pulp, which I have no idea what does this mean. In the product description which translated into English, it says, just exactly like other Google's products:

"Super elastic, soft, smooth, strong, thoroughly absorbent, for you always!"

iWant is the iPhone application all you need

Features list:

• Mint-fresh toilet deodoriser
• Art photo library
• 101 instant excuses
• Breathalyzer & yeehaa button
• Digital bum scratcher
• Fruit gums & jelly babies
• Personal fanfare
• Brrrrm brrrm button
• Toothpick dispenser
• Grunting sound
• Canned laughter
• Croaking frog sound
• Whooping sound
• Fast food maps
• Toilet paper end of roll warning

Something To Offend Everyone

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
40 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, ......, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Fondling In Bed

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly working his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lovers' stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, carressing past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful, why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote."

Wouldn't you love to do this to some people

The Human Body - Very infomative!

• It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
• One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
• The average man's pen_ s is two times the length of his thumb.
• Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
• A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
• There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
• Women blink twice as often as men.
• The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
• Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
• If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

...

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

A joke about Aussie

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne and when drink orders were taken the Aussie asked for rum and coke which was placed before him.

The attendant then asked the Muslim whether he would like a drink. He replied in disgust that he would rather be ravished by a dozen whores than let liquor touch his lips.

The Aussie handed back his drink and said: "Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”


From The butt of Asian jokes:

It seems that Australians have become the Irish of Asia. Australians have enjoyed Irish jokes for decades, but as we become the Asian Irish there is a touch of the sinister in jokes about Australians coming from China and India.

Brazil vs. Argentina

Before the football match between Argentina and Brazil, an Argentinean condom company came up with this ad.

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Brazil won the match and their Football organization replied to the ad.

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The history of "Giving the Finger"

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

And yew thought yew knew everything.

Horrible Jobs

Horrible Jobs

View more presentations from Daily.Treat.

Not so great moment in sports

Evolution Different Countries

Cut to the Chaser - The boys are back and they're gunning for new targets

Reucassel said the new PM has comic potential, but no in the way he thinks

"Kevin thinks he's a comedian - and he's wrong," he says. "He does a lot of gags but they're not funny."

"He's an angry young man. If you bring him the wrong food, he's exploding. If you bring him the wrong hair dryer, he's exploding. If we get him at the right time, he might blow up."

But despite Rudd's potential, The Chaser finds him a harder target to reach than Howard.

...

with Reucassel and Colleague Julian Morrow being arrested in Rome for flying a blimp over the Vatican City.

...

"The was an article in the paper about a woman who's been before the Italian courts for about 10 years - there are two levels of appeal there - so, hopefully, we can stretch it out and maybe just retire to an Italian jail."

"The Italians have got a different sort of policing - there were 20 or 30 people in the room all shouting at each other with a lot of gesturing and no one really talking to us."

He said he was disappointed not be arrested by the Pope's Swiss Guards.

"If you get arrested by them or even had them in the back of the shot it's already comedy because those clothes are hysterical. But sadly, it wasn't the Swiss Guard, it was the Italian police."

While The Chaser boys have been taking aim at fresh targets overseas they are prepared to offer an olive branch to an old enemy back at home: Today Tonight.

"We might have to declare a truce, it might be the war on everything - except Today Tonight," Reucassel says. "It's got to the point where we've sneaked into their offices, they've won court case against us - really the only next step would be assassination and I don't know if the current host is worth assassination - it'd be a waste of a bullet, really."

"We'll see, if seven weeks in we're running out of ideas and you see a current affairs host assassinated, you'll know it was us."

How to be cool

Comments in Source Codes

Reading source codes is a lot of fun, especially when you are reading other guys' codes...

1. // summary:
   //     Class used to work around Richard being a
   //     fucking idiot
   // 
   // remarks:
   //     The point of this is to work around his poor
   //     design so that paging will 
   //     work on a mobile control. The main problem is the
   //     BindCompany() method, 
   //     which he hoped would be able to do everything.
   //     I hope he dies.   
   
   
2. // I dedicate all this code, all my work, to my wife,
   // Darlene, who will 
   // have to support me and our three children and the
   // dog once it gets 
   // released into the public.
   
   
3. // Magic. Do not touch.
   
   
4. return 1; # returns 1  
   
   
5. /*
    * This is O(scary), but seems quick enough
    * in practice.
    */
   
   
6. /*
    * You may think you know what the following code does.
    * But you dont.
    * Fiddle with it, and youll spend many a sleepless
    * night cursing the moment you thought youd be clever
    * enough to "optimize" the code below.
    * Now close this file and go play with something else.
    */  
   
   
7. // When I wrote this, only God and I understood what
   // I was doing
   // Now, God only knows
   
   
8. // This is craptacular!
   
   
9. And finally, there is no one comes as close as this. The only comments in a big chunk of complicated codes are:
   
   ...
   
   // Trust me