Mango and avocado trees

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for many years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast

Origin of White Wedding Dress

A son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

.
.
.
.
.

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Dirty Car

Dirty Cars

Nuclear Power

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said:

'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger:

'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - .. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says: 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies:'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

Lovely Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


AND.....


For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION.....
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Son of a bitch

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her hand.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her breast.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" and he takes off her clothes.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" and he sticks his you know what into her you know where.

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest, after a few minutes: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Porn shoot 1973

Husband down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system:

'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

iWant is the iPhone application all you need

Features list:

• Mint-fresh toilet deodoriser
• Art photo library
• 101 instant excuses
• Breathalyzer & yeehaa button
• Digital bum scratcher
• Fruit gums & jelly babies
• Personal fanfare
• Brrrrm brrrm button
• Toothpick dispenser
• Grunting sound
• Canned laughter
• Croaking frog sound
• Whooping sound
• Fast food maps
• Toilet paper end of roll warning

Rubber Glove

This guy lives in a garbage truck...

Erm, privy terms is the very latest in front-wall, fresh-air orifices, combined with a wide-capacity gutter installation below.

Do you mean you crap out of the window?

Something To Offend Everyone

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
40 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, ......, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

The Human Body - Very infomative!

• It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
• One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
• The average man's pen_ s is two times the length of his thumb.
• Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
• A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
• There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
• Women blink twice as often as men.
• The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
• Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
• If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

...

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Is It Male or Female?

Ever wondered the gender of a photocopier? Wonder no more, the answers to all your gender questions are here, You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are either male or female.

Below are some examples:

• FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
  
  
• PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong ones.
  
  
• TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over-inflated.
  
  
• HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them.
  
  
• SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
  
  
• WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
  
  
• TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
  
  
• EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female, because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
  
  
• HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
  
  
• THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

The Hairdryer

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, my child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Original Numa Numa and Chinese Parody Version

Imagine Movies Without Women

First Tech Support Guy In History

Horrible Jobs

Horrible Jobs

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And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...



My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...



I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her some bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....



A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....