Johnson & Johnson

When you have an “I Hate My Job day”

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out . . . .

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy

and go to the thermometer section and

purchase a rectal thermometer made

by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors,

draw the curtains and disconnect the phone

so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at

Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!

Now, back to your cubicle and do your great job!

Fondling In Bed

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly working his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lovers' stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, carressing past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful, why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote."

A joke about Aussie

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne and when drink orders were taken the Aussie asked for rum and coke which was placed before him.

The attendant then asked the Muslim whether he would like a drink. He replied in disgust that he would rather be ravished by a dozen whores than let liquor touch his lips.

The Aussie handed back his drink and said: "Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”


From The butt of Asian jokes:

It seems that Australians have become the Irish of Asia. Australians have enjoyed Irish jokes for decades, but as we become the Asian Irish there is a touch of the sinister in jokes about Australians coming from China and India.

The Hairdryer

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, my child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'