中国当代浮世绘 － 县城小宾馆

做假证滴

偷食禁果滴

不给钱想走滴

凶杀现场滴

民工聚会滴

绑架滴

摇滚青年滴

听隔壁这动静滴

吸白面儿滴

不需多说滴

Oh Yeah! 《色，戒－２》拍摄现场滴

The miracle of toilet paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

Stupid, stupid man.

Flying like a bird? Yes you can!

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我发现你这个人很不老实……

“我发现你这个人很不老实……”女朋友一边吃着汉堡，目不转睛的看着我的眼睛。

我故做镇定，并开始鬼鬼祟祟地环顾四周然后神秘的说：“你在说我旁边的那个大胡子还是我后面的红鼻头的小个子……”

“我谁也没说。我说的就是你。”女朋友嚼着最后的一口汉堡，一边恶狠狠的说。

“我……”我一时语塞：“我怎么了我？”

“你就是不老实，你们那一伙人没有一个老实的。”女朋友认真的说。

“误会了，你看误会了不是。你看我们几个人平常说话净说乱七八糟的。那都是胡侃呢。你也知道我们都有点贫……”我神色不变的说。

“不要再演了你。你们几个人，也包括你，那瞎话张口就来。还都不过脑子，还老以为人家都听不出来？还老以为人家都是傻子？”女朋友的情绪激动。

“别别……这是怎么了？其实我今天是想带你吃罗杰斯的……不过怪我怪我……”我有点糊涂了，不知道她是哪点不对劲了。所以虽然我现在还不知道我到底哪儿错了，可是我还是觉得尽快的认错为妙。

“你的手机呢？给我用用。”女朋友有点不耐烦，伸手要我的手机。我赶快把手机递了过去……

女朋友把我的手机放到她手边的桌上，然后掏出她自己的手机开始拨号。

“喂，我是小丽呀……文哥吗？你好。”女朋友在我面前皮笑肉不笑的讲着电话。文哥是我的一个特别要好的朋友，我们俩从小关系就特铁，长大后更是臭味相投，经常的在一起混。不过女朋友现在突然给他打电话让我感到很疑惑。

文哥：“小丽呀！你好你好……怎么着有什么事情。”

小丽：“文哥，我找洋洋有点急事。他和你在一起吗？”

文哥：“在一起呢。我俩正商量点事情。你等一下，他在厕所呢。我给你叫去……”（文哥肯定是装模作样的喊了我两声……”洋洋，洋洋，小丽找你……”）

文哥：“不巧不巧，小丽，他还在厕所呢。估计还要５分钟你看，要不一会儿他出来我让他给你打回去？”

小丽：“好的，他一出来你就让他给我打回来。那谢谢了文哥。”

小丽打电话的时候一直是皮笑肉不笑的一种表情……

我坐在她对面，一滴冷汗从我的左额头慢慢的往下流……

１５秒钟之后，我的放在桌面上的手机突然响起来的时候，我的第二滴冷汗也正慢慢的开始流。小丽得意的看着我，按下了接听键：“洋洋，幸亏你Ｙ开机了，你在哪儿呢？小丽刚给我打电话找你呢。不过哥们替你扛住了，说你Ｙ正在我们家厕所大便呢，怎么样够仗义吧？你呀，快点给小丽打电话，别忘了说你在我这儿……”

Amazing AD design

Paint

Hot black coffee

Spaghetti

HSBC bank card

Knife

Rejoice Shampoo

Vending machine

NIVEA face product

Drill practice in recession time - The Singapore Way

A fire alarm rang at 4 PM when almost all shift employees are in office (approx 5000). As usual entire office was evacuated within 3 minutes & every employee gathered outside office.

10 mins passed ........................................

5 more mins passed ..................................

5 more mins passed ..................................

Then a Security Officer started an annoucement: "Dear Employees - With melting heart I'm making this announcement that for many of you will be a last evacuation drill. Due to the recession we are laying off almost 50% of employees. While moving in if your ID card does not work, then you are among those laid off & all your belongings will be couriered to you tomorrow.

We have followed this approach as we didn't want to fill email box with layoff mails and good bye mails in thousands & also to avoid any fight inside office.

Hope you have nice career ahead. Please move in & try you luck".

‘Never been kissed’ singer, 47, Susan Boyle

Les Miserables - I Dreamed a Dream

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

关于中国制造因陋就简的创造力

一家国外的肥皂生产商始终困扰于一个小问题，就是每生产1000个产品，生产线上总存在一两个没装肥皂的空盒。生产商向它的生产线供应商提出必须解决这个问题，生产线供应商思来想去，在生产线上安装了一个新监测环节，用射灯去照每个肥皂，如果出现空的，机器手会自动将它捡走。不过这个新功能太不便宜了。

另一家中国肥皂商也购买了这种生产线，自己想出了解决的办法：在生产线的出货口放了一台电扇，空盒一下子就会被吹掉！

Rowan Atkinson - Fellatio

Easter Bunny Knit Dissection

Describing this delightful Etsy item, Bill sez, "Apparently the Easter Bunny was killed in a tragic accident at a Peep factory and he donated his body to science. Finally, an answer to mystery of the origins of Easter eggs!"

Easter Weekend: Amazing Design

Ski jumping toilet



Smiley tea cup

Pillow clothes

Speakers designed for men

Stylish water closet tank

Three principles learned from Coding Gurus

The practical lore of good coding is often passed down slowly in the ritualistic tribal dances of software architects, project leads, analysts, and more experienced programmers. However, these three handy principles serves all the programmers who want a comprehensive, easy-to-use guide to software development:

1. Don't trust retellers, get hold of the original sources - Importance of Original Knowledge
   
   A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
   
   The head monk said, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
   
   Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying.
   
   He asked what was wrong.
   
   "The word is 'celebrate,' not 'celibate'!" sobbed the head monk.
   


2. A real programmer always takes care of both "if" and "else" cases. So should we - The knowledge of What if "else"
   
   Before going to bed a programmer puts on his night stand two glasses: one with water and one empty. When his wife asked him "why?" he said:
   
   "One with water is there in case I wake up at night and I feel thirsty".
   
   "How about the other one?" - still not getting the point asked his wife.
   
   "Oh! This is in case I wake up at night and I am not thirsty!" - replied the programmer.
   
   
3. Don't get trapped in infinite loops. Always provide an exit condition - Knowledge to know where to stop
   
   A programmer didn't show at work on Monday. After three days of not having any news from him his colleagues started to worried and have decided to go visit his place to see what could happen.
   
   After 30 minutes of ringing the bell and knocking the door, they broke into his house and found him in a bath tub, sitting in cold water, absolutely bold staring at an empty shampoo bottle that he held in his hand. He didn't reply any question his friends were asking him, nor even noticed their presence. He simply was continuing looking at the shampoo bottle label in a manner of zombie.
   
   When his friends managed to take this bottle out of his stark hands, they could read the following instruction: "Pour a small amount of shampoo on a palm of your hand, work through wet hair. Rinse. Repeat."

Theory and Practice in I.T.

In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

• In Theory: everything is clear, but nothing works;
• In Practice: everything works, but nothing is clear;
• Sometimes Theory meets Practice: nothing works and nothing is clear.

The new Australian National Anthem

Australians all let us rejoice 

The weekend now is near 

We've worked all bloody week for this 

Dear God let's get a beer

Our desks abound in paperwork 

Our hands are stained with ink 

In desperate stage, we'll fly the cage 

Advance to Friday drinks

With joyful strains, destroy our brains 

Advance to Friday drinks

没有共产党就没有新中国，没有新中国就没有性生活

新婚之夜，男人手抚女人两腿之间问：这是什么

女人答：党！

男人说：我想入党，行不?

女人道：你要求入党的心情我懂，但正式入党还需符合以下条件：

1、只要你过得硬，党的大门随时为你敞开；
2、党的宗旨是：党指挥枪！
3、入了我的党，就不能入别的党；
4、对党要绝对忠诚，并誓死捍卫党的纯洁；
5、不许入党前干劲十足，入党后萎靡不振；
6、要与时俱进大胆创新，全方位多角度促进党内和谐；
7、必须每月按时足额交纳党费；
8、要勇往直前，不怕牺牲，甘愿为党流尽最后一滴血，永不叛党！

以上八条党性要求，你能做到吗？

Get it on - Funniest 2008 Commercial

Bloody women drivers!

This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Ford Focus doing 110 miles per hour. With her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds. And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much! I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Bloody women drivers!

The Lord and the Harley Rider

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives and girlfriends; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Police Chase

An elderly man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing across his balding scalp. This is great,' he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue and red lights flashing.

'I can get away from him with no problem' thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, 'What the hell am I doing? '

'I'm too old for this kind of thing and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

'Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, 'Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.'

The Policeman said, 'Have a nice day.'

Obama Condoms, white colour only, good for a hard time