What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
40 kgs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, ......, along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Fondling In Bed
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly working his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lovers' stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, carressing past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful, why did you stop?"
He said, "I found the remote."
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
很黄很暴力，很傻很天真 - 2009 id 大型评比以及解说
- 最具耐心奖： 爬上墙头等红杏
- 最疯狂奖: 骑牛撞交警
- 最有权利奖: WCCEO （厕所首席）
- 最有学问奖： 阏！！ "郁闷(於门)"
- 最佳整蛊奖： 猪是的念来过倒
- 最自夸奖： 帅的惊动党中央
- 最不合逻辑奖： 非洲小白脸
- 最过目难忘奖: 我一贱你就笑
- 最佳组合奖： 化腐朽为绵掌
- 最自私奖： 请偷我对门
- 最有自知之明奖: 今夜酷寒不宜裸奔
- 最具名人效应奖： 怕瓦落地
- 最骄傲奖: 一年硬两次一次硬半年
- 最委屈奖： 他们逼我做卧底
- 最实话实说奖: 小泉，纯一狼
- 最自不量力奖: 贫僧夜探青楼
- 最有雄心壮志的奖： 我要一桶浆糊 （一统江湖）
- 最具黑道风范奖: 手起刀落人抬走
- 最有自知之明奖： 丑的拖网速
- 最没有风度奖： 输了就掀桌子
- 最不会享受生活奖： 打的去埃及
- 最调侃奖： 用你的左眼猛击我的右拳
- 最经典奖： 本人已死，有事烧纸
- 最有个性奖： 妈驴脸猛鹿（玛丽莲.梦露）
- 最掉胃口奖： 嘿，单炒饭最怕死（屎）
- 最牛X奖： 两母牛盘腿对坐
- 最废话奖： 月,经常来。
- 最不可思议奖： 卖女孩的小火柴
- 最是~奖： 队长别开枪
- 最有诗意奖： 缘来如此
- 最有计谋奖： 三十六计，西游计
- 最佳篡改奖： 塞翁失身，焉知非福
- 最佳泡妞奖： 善解人衣
- 最坏人奖： 男生进女厕，心情多快乐
- 最流氓奖： 少年不流氓，发育不正常
- 最坦白奖： 我这个人有志气，还有脚气。
- 最可怜爱情奖： 暗恋未遂
- 最狠赌博奖： 四裤全输
- 最发烧奖： 见男春（剑南春)
最具耐心奖： 爬上墙头等红杏
【得奖评语】 见过守株待兔的，但爬上墙头等别人“红杏出墙”的倒是第一次见。
最谦虚奖： 一般一般全国第三
【得奖评语】 没有自称全国第一确实难得，但我们想知道他这个“第三”是根据什么标准得的？
最腻心奖： 一脸的美人痣！
【得奖评语】 想知道“宁缺毋滥”什么意思，看看她的脸就知道了。
最有学问奖： 阏！！
【得奖评语】 经调查全国75%的网友不明白这个字的意思，其实是“郁闷(于门)”之意，因此该网名获“最有学问奖”实至名归。
最佳整蛊奖： 驴是的念来过倒
【得奖评语】 看过的100%会中招，没有不倒过来念的。
最自夸奖： 帅得惊动党中央
【得奖评语】 真的是吹牛不上税，但吹牛吹得这么有创意倒也难得，同时获奖的还有“毛主席夸我帅”。
最不合逻辑奖： 非洲小白脸
【得奖评语】 非常遗憾他没有来到现场领奖，我们非常想看看非洲的小白脸怎样白！
最具名人效应奖： 怕瓦落地
【得奖评语】 这条网名的创意不仅仅在于它巧妙地与世界名人帕瓦罗蒂谐音，更重要的是它提醒我们一个社会现状：现在危房多，尤其是那些在危房里上学的孩子，特别“怕瓦落地”。
最无厘头奖： 唐伯虎点蚊香
【得奖评语】 能拿无厘头的杰出代表周星驰的电影《唐伯虎点秋香》开涮，获此奖无可争议。
最痴迷网友奖： 卖血上网
【得奖评语】 古有卖身葬父，今有卖血上网；一个孝感天地，一个 e 网情深。
最花心奖： 朝三暮四郎
【得奖评语】 这个奖颁得有些误会，因为这位来自XX的网友并不花心，他的真名是佐佐木，因为排行老四，故称佐佐木四郎，不幸的是他的汉语拼音不是很准，拼成了“朝三暮四郎”，故被人误会成花心大萝卜。
最佳组合奖： 化腐朽为绵掌
【得奖评语】 将“化腐朽为神奇”与“化骨绵掌”巧妙结合，创造出一个独具风味的网名。
最惊悚奖： 听张国荣讲鬼故事
【得奖评语】 “听张震讲鬼故事”是有名的午夜惊悚广播，但将人名巧妙一改，更具惊悚效果。
- 善解人衣(一字之差就由好同志变成了不良青年)
- 粑粑(这人居心不良，用智能的一不小心就会打成“爸爸”)
- 第49次戒烟失败(我看你也别继续戒下去了，浪费时间和表情)
- 梅川酷子(把中文同音字的妙处发挥得淋漓尽致) 同、吉川条库(好想知道主人是否有返祖现象)
- 一天一日，一日一天(自已理解去）
- 扎女孩的小辫子(相类似的还有卖姑娘的小火柴、采姑娘的老蘑菇、捞猴子的月亮)
- 足球上篮(体育爱好者的新游戏，不久即发现有人叫篮球破网，可以触类旁通)
- 男名牌本科体健貌端无不良嗜好有房有车年薪百万(征婚来了)
- 用刘德华的声音唱张学友的歌(高难度啊！)
- 我妈妈叫我不要告诉陌生男人我的名字和电话号码(知道了，一回生两回熟，下回告诉我)
- 吃井不忘挖水人(强！井都被你吃了)
- 我想起个好名可是想不出什么好名只好将就了(你嫌不嫌罗嗦啊，不过也够坦白的)
- 我就不信注册不上(用这个果然注册上了)
- 骑着上帝去流浪(够大胆、前卫的了)
- 帅得不敢上厕所(怪可怜的，担心厕兜爆炸？)
- 吻舞双全(有这两个强项，泡 MM 应该不难)
- 烟酰胺腺嘌呤二核苷酸磷酸氧化还原酶辅酶(典型的化学系毕业生)
- 肺部未见明显异常(肯定在“非典”那段时间注册的)
- 别信我，我在说谎(你不说，大家也知道)
- 暗恋未遂(暗恋都不成功，真是失败！建议找块豆腐一头碰死算了)
- 长这么帅我容易嘛我(像你这么不要脸才是真不容易)
- 帅得惊动了党中央(不知有什么证据没有？)
- 王菲追我半条街(不知你到底做错了什么，可能跟那个叫谢霆锋暗恋我很多年的有关)
- 爱生活，爱拉登(美国人听了肯定不高兴，不过某洗发水厂家是一定偷乐了)
- 千呼万唤“屎”出来(好端端一句雅诗，就给你糟蹋了)
- 我卖裤衩上网我容易吗(不容易，真是网虫，咱们视频吧)
- 我想我是一头猪(不管怎么说，起码是佩服你的勇气，人贵有自知之明啊)
- 我媳妇贼败家(真可怜你啊，家丑也拿来外扬)
- 极品人渣(自己说自己是人渣的，我还第一次见，还是极品呢，厉害)
- 公主牵老牛(看来是农村的公主)
- 四裤全输(认你是赌棍肯定没错了)
- 眼睛会勾魂(厉害，但我眼睛还会放电呢)
- 今夜酷寒不宜裸奔(其实天气热裸奔也是不合适的)
- 最白痴 id 集团奖： 一个人玩真没劲，两个人玩才有劲，三个人玩很费劲，四个人玩不较劲，⑤个人玩更有劲
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
水调歌头 - 重上井冈山
毛泽东（1965年5月）
久有凌云志，重上井冈山。
千里来寻故地，旧貌变新颜。
到处莺歌燕舞，更有潺潺流水，高路入云端。
过了黄洋界，险处不须看。
风雷动，旌旗奋，是人寰。
三十八年过去，弹指一挥间。
可上九天揽月，可下五洋捉鳖，谈笑凯歌还。
世上无难事，只要肯登攀。
Friday, September 4, 2009
教室铭
分不在高，及格就行；学不在深，作弊则灵。斯是教室，唯吾闲情。小说翻得快，杂志翻得勤。琢磨下围棋，寻思看电影。可以打瞌睡，想女友，无书声之乱耳，无复习之劳形。是非跳舞场，堪比游乐厅。心理云："混帐文凭！"
附刘禹锡《陋室铭》
山不在高，有仙则名。水不在深，有龙则灵。斯是陋室，惟吾德馨。苔痕上阶绿，草色入帘青。谈笑有鸿儒，往来无白丁。可以调素琴，阅金经。无丝竹之乱耳，无案牍之劳形。南阳诸葛庐，西蜀子云亭。孔子云：“何陋之有？”
附刘禹锡《陋室铭》
山不在高，有仙则名。水不在深，有龙则灵。斯是陋室，惟吾德馨。苔痕上阶绿，草色入帘青。谈笑有鸿儒，往来无白丁。可以调素琴，阅金经。无丝竹之乱耳，无案牍之劳形。南阳诸葛庐，西蜀子云亭。孔子云：“何陋之有？”
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The Human Body - Very infomative!
- It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
- The average man's pen_ s is two times the length of his thumb.
- Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Women blink twice as often as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
...
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
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