Scenario :
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.
2009 - School goes into lock down, Tactical Responce called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again..
Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2009 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.
School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs
Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.
Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School
gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to Uni, and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.
State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.
2009 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.
Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to Uni.
2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state.
Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.
AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher.
English banned from core curriculum.
Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Cracker night, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.
1957 - Ants die.
2009- Tactical Responce , Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called.
Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Federal Police investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.
Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces 3 years in Prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Lovely Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION.....
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION.....
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
校内上那些很有才的“状态”
1.我们小学毕业非典了，我们初中毕业禽流感了，我们高中毕业甲流了，我们大学毕业....2012了
4. 等中国强大了，全叫老外考中文四六级！文言文太简单，全用毛笔答题，这是便宜他们，惹急了爷，一人一把刀，一个龟壳，刻甲骨文。论文题目就叫论三个代表，听力全用周杰伦的歌，双节棍只听一遍，阅读理解就用周易，口试要求唱京剧，实验就考包饺子
5.2012如果地没有裂，楼没有倒，厕所没有爆，路人甲没有跑，我会在2013年1月4日(爱你一生一世)，这个千古难寻的大日子里，和我爱的人走进婚姻的殿堂！
6. 刚上大学，我们怀着憧憬看了《奋斗》，当我们踟躇的时候，我们看了《我的青春谁做主》，就当我们即将豁然开朗的时候，一部《蜗居》把我们全拍死了。绝望中，我们看了《2012》，顿时淡定了。买什么房子啊，早晚要塌的！
7.毛主席语录第38章第5节第27行,不以结婚为目的的恋爱都是耍流氓
8. 话说唐中宗李显是历史上最牛X的皇帝。这是为什么呢？因为他自己是皇帝，父亲是皇帝，弟弟是皇帝，儿子是皇帝，侄子是皇帝，更要命的是他妈也是皇帝，于是历史给了他一个很光耀的名字：六位帝皇丸。
10. 祖国尚未统一，没有心情复习
11. 鸳鸳相抱和时了，鸯在一旁看热闹
12. 其实BTchina和VeryCD两个站点的名字就预示了事件的走向：“变态中国，非常操蛋。”
13. 没有房地产就没有新中国，没有房地产就没有新中国。房地产，它辛劳占耕地；房地产，它一心谋暴利。房地产 它忽悠就能活;房地产它一心救中国 它指给了富豪圈钱的门路，它引导政府走向豪奢。它坚持了疯涨八年多，它改善了官员的生活；它构建了升官GDP，它收取了税费好处多。
14. 在天朝，起初他们追杀魔兽世界玩家，我没有说话，因为我不是魔兽世界的玩家；后来他们封禁YouTube和Twitter，我没有说话，因为我不用这两者；此后，他们关闭BTChina，我没有说话，因为我是电驴主义者；最后，他们奔VeryCD而来，却再也没有人站起来为我说话了。
15.明天你是否会想起/ 昨天你下的日剧/ 明天你是否还惦记/ 曾经红火的越狱/ 网友们都已想不起/ 下载了多少个G/ 我也是偶然翻硬盘/ 才想起CHINABT/ 谁封了你的服务器/ 谁锁了你的IP/ 谁把你的资源清洗/谁给你做的寿衣...
16.据说某公司招聘，先把收到的一大堆简历随机扔掉一半，因为他们的招聘理念是“我们不要运气不好的人”
17.我终于知道苏格拉底为什么死了，因为雅典人被他永无止境的“为什么”唠叨烦了，最终集体投票把他和谐了。
18.听说光棍节去偷食堂的筷子就能摆脱单身。。。
19.就算生活只是个杯具，我也要做个官窑上品青花瓷杯具。
20.清华女人就是专业，今儿在C楼听见一个女的打电话：“刚开始你把我当氧气，后来当空气，再后来当二氧化碳，现在已经把我当一氧化碳了，你什么意思！”
21.同济大学老师：“08级的男同学你们不要着急，你们未来的老婆现在还在中学蹦达着呢……成功人士平均比配偶大12岁，这样算来你们很多人未来的老婆还在小学一年级蹦达着。所以说现在养的那是别人的老婆～～～”
22.前段时间浙大跳楼的讲师，当年是清华水利年级第一。西北大学全奖。四年Ph.D毕业，2年博后。六篇google学术收录文章，三篇SCI。到浙大以后，一个月2000块...
23.快期末了，大家一起跟我唱：“我家住在黄土高坡，大风从坡上刮过，不管是李宇春还是曾轶可，都是我滴哥我滴哥 。。。我家住在黄土高坡，日头从坡上走过，不管是拜春哥，还是拜曾哥，保佑我及格，不挂科！”
24.刷牙是一件悲喜交加的事情，因为一手拿着杯具，一手拿着洗具。
26.、一日早朝，王安石出列：“臣有奏，OOXX（以下省略1万字）。”刚说完身后跪下一片叫到:“臣沙发”“臣板凳”“臣地板”“臣顶”“臣也顶”……最后几人面带笑容不语，神宗见状怒击龙椅:“不许纯表情回帖。”
27.后轮爱上前轮，却知道永远不能和她在一起，于是他吻遍了她滚过的每一寸土地
28.目前中国男女人口比例为116.9 ：100，，所以呢，男同胞们要好好奋斗了，不然 你就是那【16.9】！！。女孩们就更应该努力的，否则，连那【16.9】都轮不上妳！！
33.在星巴克,我点着一杯卡布奇诺,在这群安静的装逼侠对我侧目的时候华丽的打开我的橘子iphone,刹那间整个星巴克被一首高亢而又悲凉的《月亮之上》所笼罩,顿时,那些星巴克里面的装逼侠们,内牛满面
34.人生最大的悲哀就是 新欢变成旧爱 冲动变成习惯
35.企鹅GG和企鹅MM去约会，企鹅MM还没有到约会的地点，企鹅GG就一直在左看看，右看看...左看看，右看看...左看看，右看看...... 企鹅MM来了后看见企鹅GG这个样子，怒了！ 一巴掌呼了过去骂道：“你以为你TMD在登陆QQ啊！”
38.复习=不挂科，不复习=挂科，所以，复习+不复习=不挂科+挂科，提公因式、（1+不）复习=（不+1）挂科，约分，所以，复习=挂科 。我靠，真理诞生了
39. 时间是最好的老师，但遗憾的是——最后他把所有的学生都弄死了。
40.学士上面是硕士，硕士上面是博士，博士上面是博士后，博士后上面呢？如果你够勇敢再读两年是勇士，再读五年是壮士，再读七年是烈士，烈士以后呢？国家会推出圣斗士，读满两年是青铜的，5年是白银的，7年是黄金的。
41. 厦大站坐公交车，上来一个和尚（厦大边上就是南普陀寺），上来一直在讲电话，到了将军祠站（大概有20分钟了），那和尚突然大声吼了一句“你到底还爱不爱我?” 整部车突然安静了下来。。。
42. 新世纪女性：上得了厅堂，下得了厨房，写得了代码，查得出异常，杀得了木马，翻得了围墙，开得起好车，买得起新房，斗得过二奶，打得过流氓...
43.朋友分很多种，有些人真的是一辈子的朋友，有的不过是一杯子的朋友，当然，还有一被子的朋友。
44.只要半个平米的价格，日韩新马泰都玩了一圈；一两个平米的价格，欧美列国也回来了；下一步只好策划去埃及南非这些更为神奇的所在......几年下来，全世界你都玩遍，可能还没花完一个厨房的价钱。但是那时候，说不定你的世界观都已经变了。
45.易帝被误伤嘴唇缝五十针，一千多年就有诗预测曰：临行密密缝，易恐迟迟归…
46.1911，只有资本主义才能救中国；1949，只有社会主义才能救中国；1979，只有资本主义才能救中国；1989，只有中国才能救社会主义；2009，只有中国才能救资本主义；2012，只有中国才能救世界
47.生活就像超级女生，走到最后的都是纯爷们
4. 等中国强大了，全叫老外考中文四六级！文言文太简单，全用毛笔答题，这是便宜他们，惹急了爷，一人一把刀，一个龟壳，刻甲骨文。论文题目就叫论三个代表，听力全用周杰伦的歌，双节棍只听一遍，阅读理解就用周易，口试要求唱京剧，实验就考包饺子
5.2012如果地没有裂，楼没有倒，厕所没有爆，路人甲没有跑，我会在2013年1月4日(爱你一生一世)，这个千古难寻的大日子里，和我爱的人走进婚姻的殿堂！
6. 刚上大学，我们怀着憧憬看了《奋斗》，当我们踟躇的时候，我们看了《我的青春谁做主》，就当我们即将豁然开朗的时候，一部《蜗居》把我们全拍死了。绝望中，我们看了《2012》，顿时淡定了。买什么房子啊，早晚要塌的！
7.毛主席语录第38章第5节第27行,不以结婚为目的的恋爱都是耍流氓
8. 话说唐中宗李显是历史上最牛X的皇帝。这是为什么呢？因为他自己是皇帝，父亲是皇帝，弟弟是皇帝，儿子是皇帝，侄子是皇帝，更要命的是他妈也是皇帝，于是历史给了他一个很光耀的名字：六位帝皇丸。
10. 祖国尚未统一，没有心情复习
11. 鸳鸳相抱和时了，鸯在一旁看热闹
12. 其实BTchina和VeryCD两个站点的名字就预示了事件的走向：“变态中国，非常操蛋。”
13. 没有房地产就没有新中国，没有房地产就没有新中国。房地产，它辛劳占耕地；房地产，它一心谋暴利。房地产 它忽悠就能活;房地产它一心救中国 它指给了富豪圈钱的门路，它引导政府走向豪奢。它坚持了疯涨八年多，它改善了官员的生活；它构建了升官GDP，它收取了税费好处多。
14. 在天朝，起初他们追杀魔兽世界玩家，我没有说话，因为我不是魔兽世界的玩家；后来他们封禁YouTube和Twitter，我没有说话，因为我不用这两者；此后，他们关闭BTChina，我没有说话，因为我是电驴主义者；最后，他们奔VeryCD而来，却再也没有人站起来为我说话了。
15.明天你是否会想起/ 昨天你下的日剧/ 明天你是否还惦记/ 曾经红火的越狱/ 网友们都已想不起/ 下载了多少个G/ 我也是偶然翻硬盘/ 才想起CHINABT/ 谁封了你的服务器/ 谁锁了你的IP/ 谁把你的资源清洗/谁给你做的寿衣...
16.据说某公司招聘，先把收到的一大堆简历随机扔掉一半，因为他们的招聘理念是“我们不要运气不好的人”
17.我终于知道苏格拉底为什么死了，因为雅典人被他永无止境的“为什么”唠叨烦了，最终集体投票把他和谐了。
18.听说光棍节去偷食堂的筷子就能摆脱单身。。。
19.就算生活只是个杯具，我也要做个官窑上品青花瓷杯具。
20.清华女人就是专业，今儿在C楼听见一个女的打电话：“刚开始你把我当氧气，后来当空气，再后来当二氧化碳，现在已经把我当一氧化碳了，你什么意思！”
21.同济大学老师：“08级的男同学你们不要着急，你们未来的老婆现在还在中学蹦达着呢……成功人士平均比配偶大12岁，这样算来你们很多人未来的老婆还在小学一年级蹦达着。所以说现在养的那是别人的老婆～～～”
22.前段时间浙大跳楼的讲师，当年是清华水利年级第一。西北大学全奖。四年Ph.D毕业，2年博后。六篇google学术收录文章，三篇SCI。到浙大以后，一个月2000块...
23.快期末了，大家一起跟我唱：“我家住在黄土高坡，大风从坡上刮过，不管是李宇春还是曾轶可，都是我滴哥我滴哥 。。。我家住在黄土高坡，日头从坡上走过，不管是拜春哥，还是拜曾哥，保佑我及格，不挂科！”
24.刷牙是一件悲喜交加的事情，因为一手拿着杯具，一手拿着洗具。
26.、一日早朝，王安石出列：“臣有奏，OOXX（以下省略1万字）。”刚说完身后跪下一片叫到:“臣沙发”“臣板凳”“臣地板”“臣顶”“臣也顶”……最后几人面带笑容不语，神宗见状怒击龙椅:“不许纯表情回帖。”
27.后轮爱上前轮，却知道永远不能和她在一起，于是他吻遍了她滚过的每一寸土地
28.目前中国男女人口比例为116.9 ：100，，所以呢，男同胞们要好好奋斗了，不然 你就是那【16.9】！！。女孩们就更应该努力的，否则，连那【16.9】都轮不上妳！！
33.在星巴克,我点着一杯卡布奇诺,在这群安静的装逼侠对我侧目的时候华丽的打开我的橘子iphone,刹那间整个星巴克被一首高亢而又悲凉的《月亮之上》所笼罩,顿时,那些星巴克里面的装逼侠们,内牛满面
34.人生最大的悲哀就是 新欢变成旧爱 冲动变成习惯
35.企鹅GG和企鹅MM去约会，企鹅MM还没有到约会的地点，企鹅GG就一直在左看看，右看看...左看看，右看看...左看看，右看看...... 企鹅MM来了后看见企鹅GG这个样子，怒了！ 一巴掌呼了过去骂道：“你以为你TMD在登陆QQ啊！”
38.复习=不挂科，不复习=挂科，所以，复习+不复习=不挂科+挂科，提公因式、（1+不）复习=（不+1）挂科，约分，所以，复习=挂科 。我靠，真理诞生了
39. 时间是最好的老师，但遗憾的是——最后他把所有的学生都弄死了。
40.学士上面是硕士，硕士上面是博士，博士上面是博士后，博士后上面呢？如果你够勇敢再读两年是勇士，再读五年是壮士，再读七年是烈士，烈士以后呢？国家会推出圣斗士，读满两年是青铜的，5年是白银的，7年是黄金的。
41. 厦大站坐公交车，上来一个和尚（厦大边上就是南普陀寺），上来一直在讲电话，到了将军祠站（大概有20分钟了），那和尚突然大声吼了一句“你到底还爱不爱我?” 整部车突然安静了下来。。。
42. 新世纪女性：上得了厅堂，下得了厨房，写得了代码，查得出异常，杀得了木马，翻得了围墙，开得起好车，买得起新房，斗得过二奶，打得过流氓...
43.朋友分很多种，有些人真的是一辈子的朋友，有的不过是一杯子的朋友，当然，还有一被子的朋友。
44.只要半个平米的价格，日韩新马泰都玩了一圈；一两个平米的价格，欧美列国也回来了；下一步只好策划去埃及南非这些更为神奇的所在......几年下来，全世界你都玩遍，可能还没花完一个厨房的价钱。但是那时候，说不定你的世界观都已经变了。
45.易帝被误伤嘴唇缝五十针，一千多年就有诗预测曰：临行密密缝，易恐迟迟归…
46.1911，只有资本主义才能救中国；1949，只有社会主义才能救中国；1979，只有资本主义才能救中国；1989，只有中国才能救社会主义；2009，只有中国才能救资本主义；2012，只有中国才能救世界
47.生活就像超级女生，走到最后的都是纯爷们
以后OOXX，再也不用套套了
张三和老婆从县里进城购物，夜宿旅馆。灯光旖旎中，不由性致大发，和老婆OOXX起来。完事，张三给老婆100元，说：“下去再买盒套套，晚上接着来。”话音刚落，房门突然被踹开，一群穿制服的优秀公安干警蜂拥而入，将张三和老婆按倒在地。摄像机、照相机闪烁不停，有人兴奋地大喊“给钱了，给钱了！”
张三刚要挣扎，就被人扇一记大耳光。“横？你丫嫖娼，我叫你横！”
张三大怒道：“你他妈才嫖娼，那个是我老婆。”
警察一听就乐了，说，你和老婆玩还用给钱？
“告诉你啊，给钱就是证据，给钱就是嫖娼，管你丫嫖的是谁。摄像机都拍了，你还想抵赖？再说，你说她是你老婆就是了？你把结婚证给我看看！”
“这个，我没带在身边。”张三苦着脸说。
警察将他俩带进局子里继续调查。经过张三苦苦哀求外加交了1000元押金，英明神武的警察终于同意送张三回家拿结婚证，以证明其婚姻状况。在张三强烈要求下，决定不开警车不穿警服，毕竟，这事太丢人，被街坊邻里的看见还得了？张扬不得。
张三家在县城火车站。张三琢磨着，这一路过了一个收费站，一座桥，过路费共50元。张三福至心灵，嘻笑着把50元递给开车的警察：“帮俺这么大的忙，过路费不能让您和zf出啊，发票您也留着吧。”
警察刚笑眯眯地接过钱，一群穿制服的突然围了上来，有人兴奋地大喊：“给钱了，给钱了！”
定睛一看，原来是运管处和交管大队的。张三正纳闷呢，听见一人说：“你们因为非法营运，被我处扣留，并加以罚款。”
警察一听不乐意了：“说你凭啥说我是黑车？”
运管处的拍拍手里的照相机：“按我局规定，凡是给钱的就是非法营运，就是黑车，一律罚款一万，交钱放车。瞧瞧，都拍下了，你甭想抵赖。”
警察掏出警官证，怒道：“我这是在执行公务！”
运管处的一听乐了：“我呸！你说执行公务就执行公务？你执行公务怎么不拉警笛不穿警服？”
警察指着张三大骂：“都他妈是被你害的！”
是夜，张三无眠。直到第二天中午，才办完手续回家。心情别提多郁闷了，百无聊赖之下拎了瓶白酒揣了盒烟站在阳台上准备纾解纾解。
张三刚点燃打火机准备点烟，一群穿制服的突然冲出来，拿着高压水龙头照着张三就喷。
张三跟落汤鸡一样站着发愣，就听见楼下的大喊：“我们是拆迁办的，你丫想自焚？又有酒精又有火机的，你赖不了，你这是暴力抗法！刑事拘留，交罚款，拆房子！”
张三回头望着号淘大哭的老婆，张三仰天长叹：“以后OOXX，再也不用套套了!”
张三刚要挣扎，就被人扇一记大耳光。“横？你丫嫖娼，我叫你横！”
张三大怒道：“你他妈才嫖娼，那个是我老婆。”
警察一听就乐了，说，你和老婆玩还用给钱？
“告诉你啊，给钱就是证据，给钱就是嫖娼，管你丫嫖的是谁。摄像机都拍了，你还想抵赖？再说，你说她是你老婆就是了？你把结婚证给我看看！”
“这个，我没带在身边。”张三苦着脸说。
警察将他俩带进局子里继续调查。经过张三苦苦哀求外加交了1000元押金，英明神武的警察终于同意送张三回家拿结婚证，以证明其婚姻状况。在张三强烈要求下，决定不开警车不穿警服，毕竟，这事太丢人，被街坊邻里的看见还得了？张扬不得。
张三家在县城火车站。张三琢磨着，这一路过了一个收费站，一座桥，过路费共50元。张三福至心灵，嘻笑着把50元递给开车的警察：“帮俺这么大的忙，过路费不能让您和zf出啊，发票您也留着吧。”
警察刚笑眯眯地接过钱，一群穿制服的突然围了上来，有人兴奋地大喊：“给钱了，给钱了！”
定睛一看，原来是运管处和交管大队的。张三正纳闷呢，听见一人说：“你们因为非法营运，被我处扣留，并加以罚款。”
警察一听不乐意了：“说你凭啥说我是黑车？”
运管处的拍拍手里的照相机：“按我局规定，凡是给钱的就是非法营运，就是黑车，一律罚款一万，交钱放车。瞧瞧，都拍下了，你甭想抵赖。”
警察掏出警官证，怒道：“我这是在执行公务！”
运管处的一听乐了：“我呸！你说执行公务就执行公务？你执行公务怎么不拉警笛不穿警服？”
警察指着张三大骂：“都他妈是被你害的！”
是夜，张三无眠。直到第二天中午，才办完手续回家。心情别提多郁闷了，百无聊赖之下拎了瓶白酒揣了盒烟站在阳台上准备纾解纾解。
张三刚点燃打火机准备点烟，一群穿制服的突然冲出来，拿着高压水龙头照着张三就喷。
张三跟落汤鸡一样站着发愣，就听见楼下的大喊：“我们是拆迁办的，你丫想自焚？又有酒精又有火机的，你赖不了，你这是暴力抗法！刑事拘留，交罚款，拆房子！”
张三回头望着号淘大哭的老婆，张三仰天长叹：“以后OOXX，再也不用套套了!”
Monday, December 14, 2009
Top 10 the worst company URLs
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:
- A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com
- Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
- Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
- Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
- Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com
- And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
- If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com
- Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
- Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
- Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
Son of a bitch
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her hand.
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her breast.
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" and he takes off her clothes.
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" and he sticks his you know what into her you know where.
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest, after a few minutes: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Husband down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system:
'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Google Toilet Paper
Google is going to take over the world.
According to informed source that Google will release Google brand toilet paper to the market soon, which made in low cost, human and nature resource rich country Vietnam.
The toilet paper is made 100% virgin pulp, which I have no idea what does this mean. In the product description which translated into English, it says, just exactly like other Google's products:
"Super elastic, soft, smooth, strong, thoroughly absorbent, for you always!"
Monday, October 12, 2009
古诗改编大全
唧唧复唧唧，木兰生小鸡。
斩草不除根，春风吹又生。
春眠不觉晓，处处蚊子咬。
清水出芙蓉，蠢猪各不同。
忧劳可以兴国，闭目可以养神。
穷则独善其身，富则妻妾成群。
天生我材必有用，老鼠儿子会打洞。
两个黄鹂鸣翠柳，一行白鹭上西天。
座中泣下谁最多，哭哭啼啼真啰嗦。
两情若是长久时，该是两人成婚时。
待到山花烂漫时，我便奋力把花采。
西塞山前白鹭飞，东村河边黑龟爬。
良药苦口利于病，吸烟喝酒伤身体。
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Johnson & Johnson
When you have an “I Hate My Job day”
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
Try this out . . . .
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy
and go to the thermometer section and
purchase a rectal thermometer made
by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the curtains and disconnect the phone
so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at
Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!
Now, back to your cubicle and do your great job!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
iWant is the iPhone application all you need
Features list:
- Mint-fresh toilet deodoriser
- Art photo library
- 101 instant excuses
- Breathalyzer & yeehaa button
- Digital bum scratcher
- Fruit gums & jelly babies
- Personal fanfare
- Brrrrm brrrm button
- Toothpick dispenser
- Grunting sound
- Canned laughter
- Croaking frog sound
- Whooping sound
- Fast food maps
- Toilet paper end of roll warning
Saturday, October 3, 2009
CCTV Commercial Ink - Directed by Niko Tziopanos
Directed by Niko Tziopanos, and azzparently starring a wholalotlot of Harry Potter’s Death Eater wannabes, this advertising for Central China Television has me completely mesmerised today. I just can’t have enough of that ink-in-water effect.
Friday, October 2, 2009
This guy lives in a garbage truck...
Erm, privy terms is the very latest in front-wall, fresh-air orifices, combined with a wide-capacity gutter installation below.
Do you mean you crap out of the window?
现在的学生真有才
- “床前明月光”，下一句同学填“李白睡的香”…
- “三个臭皮匠”下一句他竟然填“臭味都一样”…批卷老师立即晕倒…
- 陶渊明的“不为五斗米折腰”，那同学斗胆的写“给我六斗就可以”…
- “穷则独善其身”，下一句同学填“富则妻妾成群”。
- “西塞山前白鹭飞”，下一句“东村河边乌龟爬”？
- “天若有情天亦老”，下一句“人若有情死的早”？
- “葡萄美酒夜光杯”，下一句“金钱美女一大堆”…
- “想当年，金戈铁马”，下一句“看今朝，死缠烂打”…
- 这个才过瘾！“洛阳亲友如相问”，同学对“请你不要告诉他”…
- “两情若是长久时”，同学对“该是两人结婚时”
- “书到用时方恨少”，同学对“钱到月底不够花”…
- “清水出芙蓉”，有人写“乱世出英雄”…
- “问君能有几多愁”，同学填“恰似一壶二锅头”。
- 这个绝了！“日照香炉生紫烟，李白来到洗手间，小李飞刀一瞬间，李白变成小太监”…！
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Something To Offend Everyone
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
40 kgs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, ......, along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
40 kgs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, ......, along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Fondling In Bed
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly working his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lovers' stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, carressing past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful, why did you stop?"
He said, "I found the remote."
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
很黄很暴力，很傻很天真 - 2009 id 大型评比以及解说
- 最具耐心奖： 爬上墙头等红杏
- 最疯狂奖: 骑牛撞交警
- 最有权利奖: WCCEO （厕所首席）
- 最有学问奖： 阏！！ "郁闷(於门)"
- 最佳整蛊奖： 猪是的念来过倒
- 最自夸奖： 帅的惊动党中央
- 最不合逻辑奖： 非洲小白脸
- 最过目难忘奖: 我一贱你就笑
- 最佳组合奖： 化腐朽为绵掌
- 最自私奖： 请偷我对门
- 最有自知之明奖: 今夜酷寒不宜裸奔
- 最具名人效应奖： 怕瓦落地
- 最骄傲奖: 一年硬两次一次硬半年
- 最委屈奖： 他们逼我做卧底
- 最实话实说奖: 小泉，纯一狼
- 最自不量力奖: 贫僧夜探青楼
- 最有雄心壮志的奖： 我要一桶浆糊 （一统江湖）
- 最具黑道风范奖: 手起刀落人抬走
- 最有自知之明奖： 丑的拖网速
- 最没有风度奖： 输了就掀桌子
- 最不会享受生活奖： 打的去埃及
- 最调侃奖： 用你的左眼猛击我的右拳
- 最经典奖： 本人已死，有事烧纸
- 最有个性奖： 妈驴脸猛鹿（玛丽莲.梦露）
- 最掉胃口奖： 嘿，单炒饭最怕死（屎）
- 最牛X奖： 两母牛盘腿对坐
- 最废话奖： 月,经常来。
- 最不可思议奖： 卖女孩的小火柴
- 最是~奖： 队长别开枪
- 最有诗意奖： 缘来如此
- 最有计谋奖： 三十六计，西游计
- 最佳篡改奖： 塞翁失身，焉知非福
- 最佳泡妞奖： 善解人衣
- 最坏人奖： 男生进女厕，心情多快乐
- 最流氓奖： 少年不流氓，发育不正常
- 最坦白奖： 我这个人有志气，还有脚气。
- 最可怜爱情奖： 暗恋未遂
- 最狠赌博奖： 四裤全输
- 最发烧奖： 见男春（剑南春)
最具耐心奖： 爬上墙头等红杏
【得奖评语】 见过守株待兔的，但爬上墙头等别人“红杏出墙”的倒是第一次见。
最谦虚奖： 一般一般全国第三
【得奖评语】 没有自称全国第一确实难得，但我们想知道他这个“第三”是根据什么标准得的？
最腻心奖： 一脸的美人痣！
【得奖评语】 想知道“宁缺毋滥”什么意思，看看她的脸就知道了。
最有学问奖： 阏！！
【得奖评语】 经调查全国75%的网友不明白这个字的意思，其实是“郁闷(于门)”之意，因此该网名获“最有学问奖”实至名归。
最佳整蛊奖： 驴是的念来过倒
【得奖评语】 看过的100%会中招，没有不倒过来念的。
最自夸奖： 帅得惊动党中央
【得奖评语】 真的是吹牛不上税，但吹牛吹得这么有创意倒也难得，同时获奖的还有“毛主席夸我帅”。
最不合逻辑奖： 非洲小白脸
【得奖评语】 非常遗憾他没有来到现场领奖，我们非常想看看非洲的小白脸怎样白！
最具名人效应奖： 怕瓦落地
【得奖评语】 这条网名的创意不仅仅在于它巧妙地与世界名人帕瓦罗蒂谐音，更重要的是它提醒我们一个社会现状：现在危房多，尤其是那些在危房里上学的孩子，特别“怕瓦落地”。
最无厘头奖： 唐伯虎点蚊香
【得奖评语】 能拿无厘头的杰出代表周星驰的电影《唐伯虎点秋香》开涮，获此奖无可争议。
最痴迷网友奖： 卖血上网
【得奖评语】 古有卖身葬父，今有卖血上网；一个孝感天地，一个 e 网情深。
最花心奖： 朝三暮四郎
【得奖评语】 这个奖颁得有些误会，因为这位来自XX的网友并不花心，他的真名是佐佐木，因为排行老四，故称佐佐木四郎，不幸的是他的汉语拼音不是很准，拼成了“朝三暮四郎”，故被人误会成花心大萝卜。
最佳组合奖： 化腐朽为绵掌
【得奖评语】 将“化腐朽为神奇”与“化骨绵掌”巧妙结合，创造出一个独具风味的网名。
最惊悚奖： 听张国荣讲鬼故事
【得奖评语】 “听张震讲鬼故事”是有名的午夜惊悚广播，但将人名巧妙一改，更具惊悚效果。
- 善解人衣(一字之差就由好同志变成了不良青年)
- 粑粑(这人居心不良，用智能的一不小心就会打成“爸爸”)
- 第49次戒烟失败(我看你也别继续戒下去了，浪费时间和表情)
- 梅川酷子(把中文同音字的妙处发挥得淋漓尽致) 同、吉川条库(好想知道主人是否有返祖现象)
- 一天一日，一日一天(自已理解去）
- 扎女孩的小辫子(相类似的还有卖姑娘的小火柴、采姑娘的老蘑菇、捞猴子的月亮)
- 足球上篮(体育爱好者的新游戏，不久即发现有人叫篮球破网，可以触类旁通)
- 男名牌本科体健貌端无不良嗜好有房有车年薪百万(征婚来了)
- 用刘德华的声音唱张学友的歌(高难度啊！)
- 我妈妈叫我不要告诉陌生男人我的名字和电话号码(知道了，一回生两回熟，下回告诉我)
- 吃井不忘挖水人(强！井都被你吃了)
- 我想起个好名可是想不出什么好名只好将就了(你嫌不嫌罗嗦啊，不过也够坦白的)
- 我就不信注册不上(用这个果然注册上了)
- 骑着上帝去流浪(够大胆、前卫的了)
- 帅得不敢上厕所(怪可怜的，担心厕兜爆炸？)
- 吻舞双全(有这两个强项，泡 MM 应该不难)
- 烟酰胺腺嘌呤二核苷酸磷酸氧化还原酶辅酶(典型的化学系毕业生)
- 肺部未见明显异常(肯定在“非典”那段时间注册的)
- 别信我，我在说谎(你不说，大家也知道)
- 暗恋未遂(暗恋都不成功，真是失败！建议找块豆腐一头碰死算了)
- 长这么帅我容易嘛我(像你这么不要脸才是真不容易)
- 帅得惊动了党中央(不知有什么证据没有？)
- 王菲追我半条街(不知你到底做错了什么，可能跟那个叫谢霆锋暗恋我很多年的有关)
- 爱生活，爱拉登(美国人听了肯定不高兴，不过某洗发水厂家是一定偷乐了)
- 千呼万唤“屎”出来(好端端一句雅诗，就给你糟蹋了)
- 我卖裤衩上网我容易吗(不容易，真是网虫，咱们视频吧)
- 我想我是一头猪(不管怎么说，起码是佩服你的勇气，人贵有自知之明啊)
- 我媳妇贼败家(真可怜你啊，家丑也拿来外扬)
- 极品人渣(自己说自己是人渣的，我还第一次见，还是极品呢，厉害)
- 公主牵老牛(看来是农村的公主)
- 四裤全输(认你是赌棍肯定没错了)
- 眼睛会勾魂(厉害，但我眼睛还会放电呢)
- 今夜酷寒不宜裸奔(其实天气热裸奔也是不合适的)
- 最白痴 id 集团奖： 一个人玩真没劲，两个人玩才有劲，三个人玩很费劲，四个人玩不较劲，⑤个人玩更有劲
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
水调歌头 - 重上井冈山
毛泽东（1965年5月）
久有凌云志，重上井冈山。
千里来寻故地，旧貌变新颜。
到处莺歌燕舞，更有潺潺流水，高路入云端。
过了黄洋界，险处不须看。
风雷动，旌旗奋，是人寰。
三十八年过去，弹指一挥间。
可上九天揽月，可下五洋捉鳖，谈笑凯歌还。
世上无难事，只要肯登攀。
Friday, September 4, 2009
教室铭
分不在高，及格就行；学不在深，作弊则灵。斯是教室，唯吾闲情。小说翻得快，杂志翻得勤。琢磨下围棋，寻思看电影。可以打瞌睡，想女友，无书声之乱耳，无复习之劳形。是非跳舞场，堪比游乐厅。心理云："混帐文凭！"
附刘禹锡《陋室铭》
山不在高，有仙则名。水不在深，有龙则灵。斯是陋室，惟吾德馨。苔痕上阶绿，草色入帘青。谈笑有鸿儒，往来无白丁。可以调素琴，阅金经。无丝竹之乱耳，无案牍之劳形。南阳诸葛庐，西蜀子云亭。孔子云：“何陋之有？”
附刘禹锡《陋室铭》
山不在高，有仙则名。水不在深，有龙则灵。斯是陋室，惟吾德馨。苔痕上阶绿，草色入帘青。谈笑有鸿儒，往来无白丁。可以调素琴，阅金经。无丝竹之乱耳，无案牍之劳形。南阳诸葛庐，西蜀子云亭。孔子云：“何陋之有？”
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The Human Body - Very infomative!
- It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
- The average man's pen_ s is two times the length of his thumb.
- Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Women blink twice as often as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
...
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
Monday, August 31, 2009
有钱女网络炫富之后所引发的互相PK
南宁一网友，自称是女性，声称自己年少多金，月薪20多万，开宝马，带江诗丹顿表...
下图是她在南宁时空版所用的头像，自称是她的自拍图片。
接下来PK的一幕发生了,网友纷纷自暴家门...
一个网友进来PK的头像:声称图中所带的表是Patek Philippe(百达翡丽)，钻戒是Tiffany。
其他网友不甘示弱,纷纷进来PK... ...
下图是她在南宁时空版所用的头像，自称是她的自拍图片。
接下来PK的一幕发生了,网友纷纷自暴家门...
一个网友进来PK的头像:声称图中所带的表是Patek Philippe(百达翡丽)，钻戒是Tiffany。
其他网友不甘示弱,纷纷进来PK... ...
Friday, August 28, 2009
Is It Male or Female?
Ever wondered the gender of a photocopier? Wonder no more, the answers to all your gender questions are here, You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are either male or female.
Below are some examples:
Below are some examples:
- FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
- PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong ones.
- TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over-inflated.
- HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them.
- SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
- WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
- TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
- EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female, because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
- HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
- THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
Monday, August 24, 2009
A joke about Aussie
A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne and when drink orders were taken the Aussie asked for rum and coke which was placed before him.
The attendant then asked the Muslim whether he would like a drink. He replied in disgust that he would rather be ravished by a dozen whores than let liquor touch his lips.
The Aussie handed back his drink and said: "Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
From The butt of Asian jokes:
It seems that Australians have become the Irish of Asia. Australians have enjoyed Irish jokes for decades, but as we become the Asian Irish there is a touch of the sinister in jokes about Australians coming from China and India.
The attendant then asked the Muslim whether he would like a drink. He replied in disgust that he would rather be ravished by a dozen whores than let liquor touch his lips.
The Aussie handed back his drink and said: "Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
From The butt of Asian jokes:
It seems that Australians have become the Irish of Asia. Australians have enjoyed Irish jokes for decades, but as we become the Asian Irish there is a touch of the sinister in jokes about Australians coming from China and India.
史上最牛辞职信 - “湖州第一神保”李云舟
某某物业红丰家园管理处:
李云舟者，蜀中高隐，川北野儒也！浪迹江南，栖滞湖州。虽有经天纬地之才。而奈时遇不济，命运多舛，冯唐亦老，李广难封，屈贾谊于长沙，窜梁鸿于海曲；心比天高，身为下贱！自是口吐珠玑，腹罗锦绣，虽无徐儒来下陈蕃之榻，却有文光可射斗牛之虚也！文采风流已临精神世界之绝顶层巅；会当临绝顶，一览众山小，古今才大难为用。文章增命达，魑魅喜人过。吾如屈子之忧时伤世，离骚九歌，离风飘零！世人瞽瞽盲盲，徒留汩罗之憾也；更加深陈老杜，胸怀尧天舜日之志，指奸斥倭，与世不偕，直落得身世浮沉，屑小共怒。可堪千古一慨！
吾之品格精神，如临风之玉树，又如当空之明月浩然，怎堪与俗流共舞哉！可叹屈身于湖州某某物业，为一小小秧护员。诚如伏枥之骥，纵有千里之志，而奈缚手缚脚，无所可为，混迹于碌碌无为中矣！鉴于此，特向公司主管大人先生们引咎请辞！从此踏破樊笼飞彩凤，顿开铁锁走蛟龙。好比那万里白鸥鸥驰，驰骋于浩荡云海之间，谁复可训也！
即此 以致
李云舟者，蜀中高隐，川北野儒也！浪迹江南，栖滞湖州。虽有经天纬地之才。而奈时遇不济，命运多舛，冯唐亦老，李广难封，屈贾谊于长沙，窜梁鸿于海曲；心比天高，身为下贱！自是口吐珠玑，腹罗锦绣，虽无徐儒来下陈蕃之榻，却有文光可射斗牛之虚也！文采风流已临精神世界之绝顶层巅；会当临绝顶，一览众山小，古今才大难为用。文章增命达，魑魅喜人过。吾如屈子之忧时伤世，离骚九歌，离风飘零！世人瞽瞽盲盲，徒留汩罗之憾也；更加深陈老杜，胸怀尧天舜日之志，指奸斥倭，与世不偕，直落得身世浮沉，屑小共怒。可堪千古一慨！
吾之品格精神，如临风之玉树，又如当空之明月浩然，怎堪与俗流共舞哉！可叹屈身于湖州某某物业，为一小小秧护员。诚如伏枥之骥，纵有千里之志，而奈缚手缚脚，无所可为，混迹于碌碌无为中矣！鉴于此，特向公司主管大人先生们引咎请辞！从此踏破樊笼飞彩凤，顿开铁锁走蛟龙。好比那万里白鸥鸥驰，驰骋于浩荡云海之间，谁复可训也！
即此 以致
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
赵公忠祥列传
赵公忠祥，北京人氏，皇家御用宣谕使者也，听命于司礼监，俯首于黄门郎，于宣谕之台牛马走。非权贵而权贵垂青，非贵胄而贵胄私喜，盖因赵公别有绝技耳。
夫赵公，声若洪钟，音若金吕，高低抑扬，亢仄自如，每有宣谕，无不顿挫悠扬，声声入耳者。或有圣谕昭告天下之时，司礼监必奉旨钦点，则赵公必运动七窍，腹走真气，胸溢豪情，启丹朱之唇，转多情之珠，掀忠厚之鼻，甚或垂涕泣之泪，娓娓而诵圣谕，款款而宣洪恩，闻者如痴如醉，听者欲仙欲死，如是则上悦下喜，赵公名矣。
然赵公之计不止此耳：腊尽除夕，宫中宴舞，与民同乐之际，则赵公必粉妆登台，执文武山呼之牛耳，领内侍谢恩之班头，颂河海清晏之辞赋，宣五洲捷报之瑞祥，化干戈为玉帛，扫狼烟为凯歌，当是时也，万民涕泣天恩，朝野歌舞达旦，此皆赵公于宣谕台鼓舌簧之功也，由是而赵公受赏无算，老而愈名之者也。
又，赵公精于兽语，举凡两足四脚，无翼有翅，食肉反刍，甚或蚊纳虫瘿，赵公多有识之者，每有所述，无不绘声绘色，状其逼肖，妇孺辈往往痴迷，竟不知人兽之别也。
甲申卯月，忽有民女某伏阙上书，自爆与赵公苟且事。赵公大愤，直斥其非，意者某女欲行讹诈也。有司案验，未得其祥，然朝野耸动，城乡争说之势已成燎原也。论者曰：赵公名满天下，成也天下，败也天下，是天下可容赵公，亦可轻弃赵公也。余则谓“此中有真意，欲辩已忘言”者也。
充满人生哲理的寓言
小驴问老驴：为啥咱们天天吃干草，而奶牛顿顿精饲料？
老驴叹到：咱爷们比不了，我们是靠跑腿吃饭，人家是靠胸脯吃饭。
老驴叹到：咱爷们比不了，我们是靠跑腿吃饭，人家是靠胸脯吃饭。
......
职业的选择非常重要
鸭子和螃蟹赛跑，一起到达终点，难分胜负。
裁判说：你们来个剪刀石头布吧。
鸭子大怒：妈的，算计我？我一出是布，他总是剪刀。
......
竞争需要有天赋
狗对熊说：嫁给我吧，嫁给我你会幸福。
熊说：才不呢，嫁给你只会生狗熊，我要嫁给猫，生熊猫那才尊贵呢。
......
婚姻需要理智
老鳖调戏河蚌，被咬。老鳖忍痛拖着河蚌来回爬。青蛙见了敬佩的说：鳖哥混大了，出入都夹着公文包。
......
该装的时候就得装
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
史记 - 货殖列传 - 王石传
王石者，或言其安徽人也，其籍不可考，或传其父从定西侯震征新疆，有功，后为柳州转运使，中年得石，极宠之。及石长，有大志，狼行鶻顾，时人异之，昔粤省督以女妻之。石倚父翁之名，周旋商贾，无不得心应手，后以地产为业，竟致富可敌国。石好登山，每出，必耗资百万，尽兴而止。其人又好自传，开博客，书其事，图其影，以为宣传，纵行小善，必勒石以记，其好名如斯。好事者奉为偶像，附于其门下者多矣。
红朝五十九年四月初八日，会蜀郡汶川地大动，山崩河堰，祸及数百里，县镇至有顷刻夷为平地者，开国以来灾害之惨烈，无过于此。自是，举国皆惊，官商军民冒死往救者以百万计。富商巨贾，贩夫走卒，无不慷慨解囊，倾力以助。几数日，举国捐助愈六十亿，其间侠义之事不胜枚举，殊可叹也，中华重现复兴之象焉。
石迫其势，痛捐二百万文以为赈，又厌善捐者过其右，乃言于众曰:“灾者，常态也，我尝语仆从，人捐十文可也，多捐则负担重矣。”闻者哗然，或责以义，石强辩于其博客，不逞，遂闭其言路，不纳众人。舆论一时汹汹，至有嗤石为“王十”者。
四月十二日，上赴蜀中抚慰，民心大定，举国抗灾，同心如鉄。上与中书令共商赈灾及重建事，语及灾民，心甚戚戚焉。忽有闻，石已通工部侍郎及蜀郡工部咨事等，言谈间，隐然已定其灾后商计矣。
太史公曰：商贾之道，固有无利不起，亦有道义存焉。富而忘义，是为富不仁也。当世富豪如和黄李氏，台塑王氏，江苏陈氏者，无不倾囊以救国难，孟子曰：“古之人，得志，泽加于民；不得志，修身见于世。穷则独善其身，达则兼善天下。” 不亦宜乎？石暴富于先，吝捐于后，冒言于众，谋私于暗，不亦鄙乎。或讽石曰：公遍越世之绝岭，可越汶川一坟乎?
注：
- 王石，万科总裁，别号“坟头男”。
- 不管你征服多少座高峰，你的心灵却高不过一座坟头。致王石，尊重你的决定，鄙视你的人格！
Monday, August 17, 2009
The Hairdryer
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course, my child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
Monday, August 10, 2009
心理学
内向的小张在酒吧里看到一位容貌美丽的女子。 犹豫了很久之后，他终于鼓起勇气，走近她，低声问：“我能和你谈谈吗？“
突然女子高声叫了起来：“不 ，我不和你睡觉！"
整个酒吧的人都把目光盯在他俩身上，小张非常尴尬，红着脸一言不发，非常委屈的退回自己的座位。
过了一会儿，那位女子走到小张身边，低声道：“对不起，我是心理系的学生，刚才我只是想试验一下人们在尴尬的情况下反映如何。”
这时，小张高声的叫道：“你要两百元也太贵了！“
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Brazil vs. Argentina
Before the football match between Argentina and Brazil, an Argentinean condom company came up with this ad.
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Brazil won the match and their Football organization replied to the ad.
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Saturday, August 1, 2009
The history of "Giving the Finger"
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
And yew thought yew knew everything.
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
And yew thought yew knew everything.
Monday, July 27, 2009
投入与产出 - lesson learned from 哈佛
一男赶集卖猪，天黑遇雨，二十头猪未卖成，到一农家借宿。少妇说：家里只一人不便。男：求你了大妹子，给猪一头。女：好吧，但家只有一床。男：我也到床上睡，再给猪一头。女：同意。半夜男与女商量，我到你上面睡，女不肯。男：给猪两头。女允，要求上去不能动。少顷，男忍不住，央求动一下，女不肯。男：动一下给猪两头。女同意。男动了八次停下，女问为何不动？男说猪没了。女小声说：要不我给你猪……天亮后，男吹着口哨赶30头（含少妇家的10头）猪赶集去了……哈佛导师评论：要发现用户潜在需求，前期必须引导，培养用户需求，因此产生的投入是符合发展规律的。
...
另一男得知此事，决意如法制，遂赶集卖猪，天黑遇雨，二十头猪未卖成，到一农家借宿。少妇说：家里只一人不便。男：求你了大妹子，给猪一头。女：好吧，但家只有一床。男：我也到床上睡，再给猪一头。女：同意。半夜男商女，我到你上面睡，女不肯。男：给猪两头。女允，要求上去不能动。少顷，男忍不住，央求动一下，女不肯。男：动一下给猪两头。女同意。男动了七次停下，女问为何不动？男说：完事了～～～女：……天亮后，男低着头赶2头猪赶集去了......评论：要结合企业自身规模进行谨慎投资，谨防资金链断裂问题。
...
另一男得知此事，决意如法制，遂赶集卖猪，天黑遇雨，二十头猪未卖成，到一农家借宿。少妇说：家里只一人不便。男：求你了大妹子，给猪一头。女：好吧，但家只有一床。男：我也到床上睡，再给猪一头。女：同意。半夜男商女，我到你上面睡，女不肯。男：给猪两头。女允，要求上去不能动。少顷，男忍不住，央求动一下，女不肯。男：动一下给猪两头。女同意。男动了七次停下，女问为何不动？男说：完事了～～～女：……天亮后，男低着头赶2头猪赶集去了......评论：要结合企业自身规模进行谨慎投资，谨防资金链断裂问题。
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
河北高考得0分的作文
请以《站在________的门口》为题写一篇文章。
要求：
1.请先将题目补充完整，并写在答题卡上，然后作文。
2.立意自定。
3.文体不限。可以记叙经历，抒发感情，发表议论，展开想象，等等。
4.不少于800字
站在洗头房的门口
夜幕降临，华灯初上的时候，街边一排洗头房无疑成为光怪陆离的都市以唯一的一抹亮色，一点温馨。我酒足饭饱后，站在人头攒动的夜市旁，望着临近的洗头房，心中不禁泛起阵阵感慨：它们卑处一隅，绝不炫耀，毫无所求，只知奉献，精巧别致的房间透露着橘红色的，以一种柔和暧昧和都市里华而不实的霓虹灯苍白刺眼的路灯对峙着，争辩着，以无言的行动响应着国家节约型社会的号召。周围尽管一片杂乱喧嚣，但它的门面布局仍是那么古色古香，让你不由得驻足停留，细细欣赏。传统的对联式门框在这里复现：上联：按摩，下联：休闲，横批：美容美发，将中国风的精髓发挥得淋漓尽致。洗头房内不时传来形象代言人任贤齐的歌声：“ 我让你依靠，让你靠，没什么大不了”，更增添了几分文化气息。一切的特色让街边那些大楼广场黯然失色。
倚门站立着几位年轻的姑娘，身着复古的服饰，仅以一片红花布遮住前胸，让我想起远古人民的伟大。她们脸上挂着诚挚的笑容，洋溢着扑面而来的热情，召唤鼓舞着沿街的革命同志，不管是满身酒气的大款，满脸疲惫的民工，还是稚气未脱的学生，都一视同仁，毫无偏见，在这个孤寂的夜晚去温暖他们那冰冷空荡的内心，敬业的精神让我不禁肃然起敬。看着看着，我的眼里闪出了泪花，脑海中想起了貂蝉，李师师，秦淮八艳，想起了舒淇，李丽珍，杨思敏，想起了刚刚离我们而去的人民艺术家饭岛爱，以及为事业鞠躬尽瘁死而后已的武藤兰同志，尽管她们分工不同，但没有高低贵贱之分，同样日日夜夜挥汗如雨地工作，在灵与肉的碰撞中，在吆喝呻吟中体验着劳动的光荣和快感，
在频频出入洗头房的人群中，我惊讶的发现了几张极为熟悉的面孔，那不是李书记，张局长，赵主任一行嘛，跟在他们身后的是刚刚提拔的刘干事，白天任劳任怨，以干事为己任，夜晚仍不忘发挥余热，深入洗头房继续干事。这些可亲可敬的领导干部们舍小家，为大家，含泪抛下独守空房的妻子，两眼张望的老人，三过家门而不入，淡泊名利，避开群众们关切火辣的眼光，不辞辛劳，穿街走巷，从群众中来，到群众中去，以共产党员模范带头作用感染着社会底层，和洗头房的小姐通宵奋战，彻夜长谈，从金瓶梅到春梅腊梅，从票子到马子、奶子，检验着社会主义精神文明建设的成果。看在眼里，我热泪盈眶，谁说官民势如水火，我说官民情同鱼水，难舍难分！
夜色渐沉，洗头房的灯逐渐暗了下去，我知道领导和小姐之间的探讨切磋会正在召开。有这样的领导，国之大幸，民之大幸，何愁不能国泰民安，构建和谐社会也自是指日可成。想到这里，我陡增生活的信心和勇气，也默默祝福他们保重身体。
要求：
1.请先将题目补充完整，并写在答题卡上，然后作文。
2.立意自定。
3.文体不限。可以记叙经历，抒发感情，发表议论，展开想象，等等。
4.不少于800字
站在洗头房的门口
夜幕降临，华灯初上的时候，街边一排洗头房无疑成为光怪陆离的都市以唯一的一抹亮色，一点温馨。我酒足饭饱后，站在人头攒动的夜市旁，望着临近的洗头房，心中不禁泛起阵阵感慨：它们卑处一隅，绝不炫耀，毫无所求，只知奉献，精巧别致的房间透露着橘红色的，以一种柔和暧昧和都市里华而不实的霓虹灯苍白刺眼的路灯对峙着，争辩着，以无言的行动响应着国家节约型社会的号召。周围尽管一片杂乱喧嚣，但它的门面布局仍是那么古色古香，让你不由得驻足停留，细细欣赏。传统的对联式门框在这里复现：上联：按摩，下联：休闲，横批：美容美发，将中国风的精髓发挥得淋漓尽致。洗头房内不时传来形象代言人任贤齐的歌声：“ 我让你依靠，让你靠，没什么大不了”，更增添了几分文化气息。一切的特色让街边那些大楼广场黯然失色。
倚门站立着几位年轻的姑娘，身着复古的服饰，仅以一片红花布遮住前胸，让我想起远古人民的伟大。她们脸上挂着诚挚的笑容，洋溢着扑面而来的热情，召唤鼓舞着沿街的革命同志，不管是满身酒气的大款，满脸疲惫的民工，还是稚气未脱的学生，都一视同仁，毫无偏见，在这个孤寂的夜晚去温暖他们那冰冷空荡的内心，敬业的精神让我不禁肃然起敬。看着看着，我的眼里闪出了泪花，脑海中想起了貂蝉，李师师，秦淮八艳，想起了舒淇，李丽珍，杨思敏，想起了刚刚离我们而去的人民艺术家饭岛爱，以及为事业鞠躬尽瘁死而后已的武藤兰同志，尽管她们分工不同，但没有高低贵贱之分，同样日日夜夜挥汗如雨地工作，在灵与肉的碰撞中，在吆喝呻吟中体验着劳动的光荣和快感，
在频频出入洗头房的人群中，我惊讶的发现了几张极为熟悉的面孔，那不是李书记，张局长，赵主任一行嘛，跟在他们身后的是刚刚提拔的刘干事，白天任劳任怨，以干事为己任，夜晚仍不忘发挥余热，深入洗头房继续干事。这些可亲可敬的领导干部们舍小家，为大家，含泪抛下独守空房的妻子，两眼张望的老人，三过家门而不入，淡泊名利，避开群众们关切火辣的眼光，不辞辛劳，穿街走巷，从群众中来，到群众中去，以共产党员模范带头作用感染着社会底层，和洗头房的小姐通宵奋战，彻夜长谈，从金瓶梅到春梅腊梅，从票子到马子、奶子，检验着社会主义精神文明建设的成果。看在眼里，我热泪盈眶，谁说官民势如水火，我说官民情同鱼水，难舍难分！
夜色渐沉，洗头房的灯逐渐暗了下去，我知道领导和小姐之间的探讨切磋会正在召开。有这样的领导，国之大幸，民之大幸，何愁不能国泰民安，构建和谐社会也自是指日可成。想到这里，我陡增生活的信心和勇气，也默默祝福他们保重身体。
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
经典语句
够强！赶紧找避雷针
- 我这人从不记仇,一般有仇当场我就报了。
- 别在我的坟前哭。脏了我轮回的路。
- 已经将整个青春都用来检讨青春，还要把整个生命都用来怀疑生命。
- 是这样的张总，妳在家里的电脑上按了CTRL+C，然后在公司的电脑上再按CTRL+V是肯定不行的。即使同一篇文章也不行。不不，多贵的电脑都不行。
- 你要是鲜花，以后牛都不敢拉粪了！
- 我以为你只是1和3中间的数，没想到你还是1和3俩数的组合。
- 先是《中国不高兴》，然后是《中国为什么不高兴》，接下来是《中国凭什么不高兴》、《中国怎么那么不高兴》、《你说中国怎么那么不高兴》、《凭什么让我说中国怎么那么不高兴》、《凭什么不能让你说中国怎么那么不高兴》、《我他妈哪知道中国怎么那么不高兴》……
- 自己选择45°仰视别人，就休怪他人135°俯视着看你。
- Ralph W. Sockman说：当我们是少数时，可以测试自己的勇气；当我们是多数时，可以测试自己的宽容。
- 牧羊，一辈子都在急；金牛，一辈子都在守；双子，一辈子都在徘徊；巨蟹，一辈子都在等；狮子，一辈子都在控 制；处女，一辈子都在准备；天秤，一辈子都在权衡；天蝎，一辈子都在猜疑；射手，一辈子都在玩儿；摩羯，一辈子都在奋斗；水瓶，一辈子都在做梦；双鱼，一辈子都不知道自己在做什么。
- 在职场中就应该像柯南那样，有一种我走到哪就让别人死到哪的霸气。
- 一群食人族上班，经理再三交代不能吃同事，答应。过几天忍不住，偷吃一个清洁工人，当即被发现。其感悟是：千万别吃真正做事的人。
- 李碧华说过： 什么叫多余？夏天的棉袄，冬天的蒲扇，还有等我已经心冷后你的殷勤。
- 永远年轻，永远装嫩，永远不知好歹，永远热泪盈眶。
- 很多时候你只是某个人的练爱对象而非恋爱对象。
- 钱钟书先生对杨绛女士有这样一段评价，后来被社会学家视为理想婚姻的典范：a、在遇到她以前，我从未想过结婚的事。b、和她在一起这么多年，从未后悔过娶她做妻子。c、也从未想过娶别的女人。
- 你攒够四块五，我也攒够四块五，我们就可以去民政局结婚了。
- 个人感觉，在网络上要转向“慢”了，资讯越快，越是要等几天让事实浮现，第一时间人肉，第一时间谴责，第一时间落泪，都无太多必要。
- 我爸面对我发胖一事发表了看法：没有韩红的命，还得了韩红的病。
- 一切问题最终都是时间问题，一切烦恼其实都是自寻烦恼。
- 你来我信你不会走，你走我当你没来过。——我们该这样对待缘分与爱。
- “上了年纪最大的好处就是：年轻时得不到的东西，现在你不想要了。”
- 世界上所有男人都是骗子。不管是漂亮还是不漂亮的女人都会被骗。有所不同的是，幸运的女人找到了一个大骗子，骗了她一辈子。 不幸的女人找到了一个小骗子，骗了她一阵子。
- 人最软弱的地方，是舍不得。舍不得一段不再精采的感情，舍不得一份虚荣，舍不得掌声。我们永远以为最好的日子是会很长很长的，不必那麽快离开。就在我们心软和缺乏勇气的时候，最好的日子毫不留情地逝去了。
- 曾以为我是那崖畔的一枝花，后来才知道，不过是人海一粒渣。
- 现在你骂我，是因为你还不了解我，等你以后了解了我，你一定会动手打我的。
- 一日不读书，无人看得出；一周不读书，开始会爆粗；一月不读书，智商输给猪。
- 当前我国女性成功大概有如下四种途径：第一，学好英语，嫁老外。第二，学好英语，出国读书，嫁老外。第三，学好英语，出国读书，学成归国，嫁老外。第四，学好英语，出国读书，学成归国，努力打拼，嫁老外。
- 有的人聪明得像天气，多变；有的人傻得像天气预报，变天它都看不出来。
- 马不停蹄的错过，轻而易举的辜负，不知不觉的陌路。
- 石头记告诉我们：凡是真心爱的最后都散了，凡是混搭的最后都团圆了。
- 如果你不是经常遇到挫折，这表明你做的事情没有很大的创新性-伍迪.艾伦
- 两个人在一起，更多的不是改变了对方，而是接受了，所以说包容呢，如果光想着改变，那不是生活，那是战争。
- 人永远不知道谁哪次不经意的跟你说了再见之后就真的再也不见了。
- 很多事都介于“不说憋屈“和“说了矫情“之间。
- 通往成功的路，总是在施工中。
- 我不下地狱，谁爱下谁下
- 猜一句英文：「ABABBBAAAAAABBBABAAAABBBBAABBBAAAAA」？〈答案：Long time no C〉
- 想你的眉目，想到模糊。——突然觉得，思念大都如此，越来越淡
- 在经年后，感叹，那两个少年：一个惊艳了时光，一个温柔了岁月。
- 你永远也无法理解，为了让自己对生活发生兴趣，我们付出了多大的努力。
- 孔子曰，中午不睡，下午崩溃；孟子曰，孔子说的对。
- 如果她（他）对你说：”忘了我吧。＂你告诉对方：”我一直没记住。＂
- 20岁看体力；30岁看学历；40岁看经历；50岁看智力；60岁看病历；70岁看日历；80岁看黄历；90岁看舍利。
- “恋”是个很强悍的字。它的上半部取自“变态”的“变”，下半部取自“变态”的“态”。
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Astro Boy Chinese Version Theme Song
越过辽阔天空，啦啦啦飞向遥远群星，
来吧，阿童木，爱科学的好少年。
善良勇敢的，啦啦啦铁臂阿童木，
十万马力，奇大神力，无私无畏的阿童木。
穿过广阔田地，啦啦拉潜入深深海洋，
来吧，阿童木，爱和平的好少年，
善良勇敢的，啦啦啦铁臂阿童木，
我们的好朋友啊，无私无畏的阿童木，
我们的好朋友啊，无私无畏的阿童木。
演唱：中国少年合唱团
Friday, July 3, 2009
And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her some bathroom scales.
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started....
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
Monday, June 29, 2009
Name the picture
These are pretty clever. Try to resist moving too quickly. Look at each picture, try to determine what it represents, and then look at the answer below the picture.
ASSAULTED PEANUT
A wish for ALL of the difficult People in your life
CARD SHARK
ASSAULTED PEANUT
DOCTOR PEPPER
EGG PLANT
KINGHT MARE
WHOLE MILK
KING OF POP
TAP DANCER
GATOR AIDE
A POOL TABLE
AND FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iPod
A wish for ALL of the difficult People in your life
blah blah woof woof
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