The Daily Treat

Mango and avocado trees

2010-06-30T15:50:00.001+10:00

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for many years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast

$7.00 Sex

2010-02-20T13:20:00.002+11:00

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple
is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good bye.

A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

My worst birthday EVER

2010-02-19T14:05:00.004+11:00

This is an absolute true story.

I was just about to turn 55 (which is traumatic enough). It was 11:15 at night. I was watching this documentary series on HBO about the Porn industry. Hey, it just happened to be on.

They were asking various porn stars a series of questions. One of the questions was “What WON’T you do?”

One by one they listed all manner of depraved acts. No double-penetration. No triple-penetration. No groups more than ten. No animals. No S & M. No vegetables. They were rattling off kinky and disgusting acts I didn’t even know were possible. The most humiliating, degrading sexual requests you could ever imagine.

Finally, they get to one girl who says, “Hey, whatever. They’re paying me. I’ll do just about anything…” and then she added, “As long as it’s not with a guy who’s like 55.”

That was it. My life was over. Torture was fine. Goats were fine. But sex with a 55 year old, that’s where you draw the line.

I spent that birthday in a fetal position under my desk familiarizing myself with what benefits I was entitled to under Medicare.

Origin of White Wedding Dress

2010-02-12T15:21:00.001+11:00

A son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

.
.
.
.
.

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Dirty Car

2010-02-02T19:49:00.001+11:00

Dirty Cars

For Annoying Plane Passengers

2010-01-24T12:07:00.001+11:00

What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating: Worth a shot???

1. Remove your lap top from its bag

2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully

3. Turn it ON

4. Ensure the passenger next to you is watching

5. Turn on the Internet

6. Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer

7. Take a deep breath and open this site: http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

8. Observe the facial expression of your neighbouring passenger.

9. Enjoy

Nuclear Power

2010-01-23T12:09:00.006+11:00

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said:

'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger:

'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - .. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says: 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies:'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

千万次的问 - 刘欢

2010-01-12T01:30:00.004+11:00

千万里我追寻着你

可是你却并不在意

你不象是在我梦里

在梦里你是我的唯一

time and time again you ask me

问我到底爱不爱你

time and time again i ask myself

问自己是否离的开你

我今生看来注定要独行

热情已被你耗尽

我已经变的不再是我

可是你却依然是你

time and time again you ask me

问我到底爱不爱你

time and time again i ask myself

问自己是否离的开你

time and time again you ask me

问我到底恨不恨你

time and time again i ask myself

问自己你到底好在哪里

好在那里

School - 1957 vs. 2009

2009-12-21T15:17:00.003+11:00

Scenario :
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2009 - School goes into lock down, Tactical Responce called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again..

Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2009 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.

Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.

School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.

Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.

Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School
gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to Uni, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.

State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2009 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.

Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to Uni.

2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state.

Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.

AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher.

English banned from core curriculum.

Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario :

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Cracker night, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2009- Tactical Responce , Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called.

Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Federal Police investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.

Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.

Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.

She faces 3 years in Prison.

Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Lovely Doctor

2009-12-21T14:40:00.004+11:00

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION.....
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

校内上那些很有才的“状态”

2009-12-16T21:41:00.002+11:00

1.我们小学毕业非典了，我们初中毕业禽流感了，我们高中毕业甲流了，我们大学毕业....2012了
　　　　
　　4. 等中国强大了，全叫老外考中文四六级！文言文太简单，全用毛笔答题，这是便宜他们，惹急了爷，一人一把刀，一个龟壳，刻甲骨文。论文题目就叫论三个代表，听力全用周杰伦的歌，双节棍只听一遍，阅读理解就用周易，口试要求唱京剧，实验就考包饺子
　　　　
　　5.2012如果地没有裂，楼没有倒，厕所没有爆，路人甲没有跑，我会在2013年1月4日(爱你一生一世)，这个千古难寻的大日子里，和我爱的人走进婚姻的殿堂！
　　　　
　　6. 刚上大学，我们怀着憧憬看了《奋斗》，当我们踟躇的时候，我们看了《我的青春谁做主》，就当我们即将豁然开朗的时候，一部《蜗居》把我们全拍死了。绝望中，我们看了《2012》，顿时淡定了。买什么房子啊，早晚要塌的！
　　　　
　　7.毛主席语录第38章第5节第27行,不以结婚为目的的恋爱都是耍流氓
　　　　
　　8. 话说唐中宗李显是历史上最牛X的皇帝。这是为什么呢？因为他自己是皇帝，父亲是皇帝，弟弟是皇帝，儿子是皇帝，侄子是皇帝，更要命的是他妈也是皇帝，于是历史给了他一个很光耀的名字：六位帝皇丸。
　　
　　10. 祖国尚未统一，没有心情复习
　　　　
　　11. 鸳鸳相抱和时了，鸯在一旁看热闹
　　　　
　　12. 其实BTchina和VeryCD两个站点的名字就预示了事件的走向：“变态中国，非常操蛋。”
　　
　　13. 没有房地产就没有新中国，没有房地产就没有新中国。房地产，它辛劳占耕地；房地产，它一心谋暴利。房地产它忽悠就能活;房地产它一心救中国它指给了富豪圈钱的门路，它引导政府走向豪奢。它坚持了疯涨八年多，它改善了官员的生活；它构建了升官GDP，它收取了税费好处多。
　　　　
　　14. 在天朝，起初他们追杀魔兽世界玩家，我没有说话，因为我不是魔兽世界的玩家；后来他们封禁YouTube和Twitter，我没有说话，因为我不用这两者；此后，他们关闭BTChina，我没有说话，因为我是电驴主义者；最后，他们奔VeryCD而来，却再也没有人站起来为我说话了。
　　　　
　　15.明天你是否会想起/ 昨天你下的日剧/ 明天你是否还惦记/ 曾经红火的越狱/ 网友们都已想不起/ 下载了多少个G/ 我也是偶然翻硬盘/ 才想起CHINABT/ 谁封了你的服务器/ 谁锁了你的IP/ 谁把你的资源清洗/谁给你做的寿衣...
　　　　
　　16.据说某公司招聘，先把收到的一大堆简历随机扔掉一半，因为他们的招聘理念是“我们不要运气不好的人”
　　　　
　　17.我终于知道苏格拉底为什么死了，因为雅典人被他永无止境的“为什么”唠叨烦了，最终集体投票把他和谐了。
　　　　
　　18.听说光棍节去偷食堂的筷子就能摆脱单身。。。
　　　
　　19.就算生活只是个杯具，我也要做个官窑上品青花瓷杯具。
　　　　
　　20.清华女人就是专业，今儿在C楼听见一个女的打电话：“刚开始你把我当氧气，后来当空气，再后来当二氧化碳，现在已经把我当一氧化碳了，你什么意思！”

　　21.同济大学老师：“08级的男同学你们不要着急，你们未来的老婆现在还在中学蹦达着呢……成功人士平均比配偶大12岁，这样算来你们很多人未来的老婆还在小学一年级蹦达着。所以说现在养的那是别人的老婆～～～”

　　22.前段时间浙大跳楼的讲师，当年是清华水利年级第一。西北大学全奖。四年Ph.D毕业，2年博后。六篇google学术收录文章，三篇SCI。到浙大以后，一个月2000块...
　　　　
　　23.快期末了，大家一起跟我唱：“我家住在黄土高坡，大风从坡上刮过，不管是李宇春还是曾轶可，都是我滴哥我滴哥。。。我家住在黄土高坡，日头从坡上走过，不管是拜春哥，还是拜曾哥，保佑我及格，不挂科！”

　　24.刷牙是一件悲喜交加的事情，因为一手拿着杯具，一手拿着洗具。　
　　
　　26.、一日早朝，王安石出列：“臣有奏，OOXX（以下省略1万字）。”刚说完身后跪下一片叫到:“臣沙发”“臣板凳”“臣地板”“臣顶”“臣也顶”……最后几人面带笑容不语，神宗见状怒击龙椅:“不许纯表情回帖。”　
　　
　　27.后轮爱上前轮，却知道永远不能和她在一起，于是他吻遍了她滚过的每一寸土地
　　　　
　　28.目前中国男女人口比例为116.9 ：100，，所以呢，男同胞们要好好奋斗了，不然你就是那【16.9】！！。女孩们就更应该努力的，否则，连那【16.9】都轮不上妳！！
　　　　
　　
　　33.在星巴克,我点着一杯卡布奇诺,在这群安静的装逼侠对我侧目的时候华丽的打开我的橘子iphone,刹那间整个星巴克被一首高亢而又悲凉的《月亮之上》所笼罩,顿时,那些星巴克里面的装逼侠们,内牛满面
　　　　
　　34.人生最大的悲哀就是新欢变成旧爱冲动变成习惯
　　　　
　　35.企鹅GG和企鹅MM去约会，企鹅MM还没有到约会的地点，企鹅GG就一直在左看看，右看看...左看看，右看看...左看看，右看看...... 企鹅MM来了后看见企鹅GG这个样子，怒了！一巴掌呼了过去骂道：“你以为你TMD在登陆QQ啊！”
　　
　　38.复习=不挂科，不复习=挂科，所以，复习+不复习=不挂科+挂科，提公因式、（1+不）复习=（不+1）挂科，约分，所以，复习=挂科。我靠，真理诞生了
　　
　　39. 时间是最好的老师，但遗憾的是——最后他把所有的学生都弄死了。
　　　　
　　40.学士上面是硕士，硕士上面是博士，博士上面是博士后，博士后上面呢？如果你够勇敢再读两年是勇士，再读五年是壮士，再读七年是烈士，烈士以后呢？国家会推出圣斗士，读满两年是青铜的，5年是白银的，7年是黄金的。
　　
　　41. 厦大站坐公交车，上来一个和尚（厦大边上就是南普陀寺），上来一直在讲电话，到了将军祠站（大概有20分钟了），那和尚突然大声吼了一句“你到底还爱不爱我?” 整部车突然安静了下来。。。
　　
　　42. 新世纪女性：上得了厅堂，下得了厨房，写得了代码，查得出异常，杀得了木马，翻得了围墙，开得起好车，买得起新房，斗得过二奶，打得过流氓...
　　
　　43.朋友分很多种，有些人真的是一辈子的朋友，有的不过是一杯子的朋友，当然，还有一被子的朋友。
　　
　　44.只要半个平米的价格，日韩新马泰都玩了一圈；一两个平米的价格，欧美列国也回来了；下一步只好策划去埃及南非这些更为神奇的所在......几年下来，全世界你都玩遍，可能还没花完一个厨房的价钱。但是那时候，说不定你的世界观都已经变了。
　　
　　45.易帝被误伤嘴唇缝五十针，一千多年就有诗预测曰：临行密密缝，易恐迟迟归…
　　
　　46.1911，只有资本主义才能救中国；1949，只有社会主义才能救中国；1979，只有资本主义才能救中国；1989，只有中国才能救社会主义；2009，只有中国才能救资本主义；2012，只有中国才能救世界
　　
　　47.生活就像超级女生，走到最后的都是纯爷们

以后OOXX，再也不用套套了

2009-12-16T14:51:00.000+11:00

张三和老婆从县里进城购物，夜宿旅馆。灯光旖旎中，不由性致大发，和老婆OOXX起来。完事，张三给老婆100元，说：“下去再买盒套套，晚上接着来。”话音刚落，房门突然被踹开，一群穿制服的优秀公安干警蜂拥而入，将张三和老婆按倒在地。摄像机、照相机闪烁不停，有人兴奋地大喊“给钱了，给钱了！”

张三刚要挣扎，就被人扇一记大耳光。“横？你丫嫖娼，我叫你横！”

张三大怒道：“你他妈才嫖娼，那个是我老婆。”

警察一听就乐了，说，你和老婆玩还用给钱？

“告诉你啊，给钱就是证据，给钱就是嫖娼，管你丫嫖的是谁。摄像机都拍了，你还想抵赖？再说，你说她是你老婆就是了？你把结婚证给我看看！”

“这个，我没带在身边。”张三苦着脸说。

警察将他俩带进局子里继续调查。经过张三苦苦哀求外加交了1000元押金，英明神武的警察终于同意送张三回家拿结婚证，以证明其婚姻状况。在张三强烈要求下，决定不开警车不穿警服，毕竟，这事太丢人，被街坊邻里的看见还得了？张扬不得。

张三家在县城火车站。张三琢磨着，这一路过了一个收费站，一座桥，过路费共50元。张三福至心灵，嘻笑着把50元递给开车的警察：“帮俺这么大的忙，过路费不能让您和zf出啊，发票您也留着吧。”

警察刚笑眯眯地接过钱，一群穿制服的突然围了上来，有人兴奋地大喊：“给钱了，给钱了！”

定睛一看，原来是运管处和交管大队的。张三正纳闷呢，听见一人说：“你们因为非法营运，被我处扣留，并加以罚款。”

警察一听不乐意了：“说你凭啥说我是黑车？”

运管处的拍拍手里的照相机：“按我局规定，凡是给钱的就是非法营运，就是黑车，一律罚款一万，交钱放车。瞧瞧，都拍下了，你甭想抵赖。”

警察掏出警官证，怒道：“我这是在执行公务！”

运管处的一听乐了：“我呸！你说执行公务就执行公务？你执行公务怎么不拉警笛不穿警服？”

警察指着张三大骂：“都他妈是被你害的！”

是夜，张三无眠。直到第二天中午，才办完手续回家。心情别提多郁闷了，百无聊赖之下拎了瓶白酒揣了盒烟站在阳台上准备纾解纾解。

张三刚点燃打火机准备点烟，一群穿制服的突然冲出来，拿着高压水龙头照着张三就喷。

张三跟落汤鸡一样站着发愣，就听见楼下的大喊：“我们是拆迁办的，你丫想自焚？又有酒精又有火机的，你赖不了，你这是暴力抗法！刑事拘留，交罚款，拆房子！”

张三回头望着号淘大哭的老婆，张三仰天长叹：“以后OOXX，再也不用套套了!”

Top 10 the worst company URLs

2009-12-14T15:21:00.002+11:00

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com
Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com
And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com
Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

Son of a bitch

2009-12-14T14:36:00.002+11:00

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her hand.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" and he touches her breast.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" and he takes off her clothes.

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" and he sticks his you know what into her you know where.

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest, after a few minutes: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Making of a Sukhoi Su-30 Flanker

2009-12-05T11:37:00.000+11:00

Porn shoot 1973

2009-12-05T11:00:00.003+11:00

Husband down

2009-12-03T16:20:00.002+11:00

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system:

'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

Google Toilet Paper

2009-11-21T21:12:00.008+11:00

Google is going to take over the world.

According to informed source that Google will release Google brand toilet paper to the market soon, which made in low cost, human and nature resource rich country Vietnam.

The toilet paper is made 100% virgin pulp, which I have no idea what does this mean. In the product description which translated into English, it says, just exactly like other Google's products:

"Super elastic, soft, smooth, strong, thoroughly absorbent, for you always!"

古诗改编大全

2009-10-12T21:01:00.004+11:00

唧唧复唧唧，木兰生小鸡。
斩草不除根，春风吹又生。
春眠不觉晓，处处蚊子咬。
清水出芙蓉，蠢猪各不同。

忧劳可以兴国，闭目可以养神。
穷则独善其身，富则妻妾成群。

天生我材必有用，老鼠儿子会打洞。
两个黄鹂鸣翠柳，一行白鹭上西天。
座中泣下谁最多，哭哭啼啼真啰嗦。
两情若是长久时，该是两人成婚时。
待到山花烂漫时，我便奋力把花采。
西塞山前白鹭飞，东村河边黑龟爬。
良药苦口利于病，吸烟喝酒伤身体。

Johnson & Johnson

2009-10-07T09:58:00.005+11:00

When you have an “I Hate My Job day”

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out . . . .

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy

and go to the thermometer section and

purchase a rectal thermometer made

by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors,

draw the curtains and disconnect the phone

so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at

Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!

Now, back to your cubicle and do your great job!

iWant is the iPhone application all you need

2009-10-06T18:34:00.004+11:00

Features list:

Mint-fresh toilet deodoriser
Art photo library
101 instant excuses
Breathalyzer & yeehaa button
Digital bum scratcher
Fruit gums & jelly babies
Personal fanfare
Brrrrm brrrm button
Toothpick dispenser
Grunting sound
Canned laughter
Croaking frog sound
Whooping sound
Fast food maps
Toilet paper end of roll warning

CCTV Commercial Ink - Directed by Niko Tziopanos

2009-10-03T10:38:00.004+10:00

Directed by Niko Tziopanos, and azzparently starring a wholalotlot of Harry Potter’s Death Eater wannabes, this advertising for Central China Television has me completely mesmerised today. I just can’t have enough of that ink-in-water effect.

Rubber Glove

2009-10-03T03:31:00.005+10:00

This guy lives in a garbage truck...

2009-10-02T19:00:00.003+10:00

Erm, privy terms is the very latest in front-wall, fresh-air orifices, combined with a wide-capacity gutter installation below.

Do you mean you crap out of the window?

现在的学生真有才

2009-10-02T01:23:00.000+10:00

“床前明月光”，下一句同学填“李白睡的香”…
“三个臭皮匠”下一句他竟然填“臭味都一样”…批卷老师立即晕倒…
陶渊明的“不为五斗米折腰”，那同学斗胆的写“给我六斗就可以”…
“穷则独善其身”，下一句同学填“富则妻妾成群”。
“西塞山前白鹭飞”，下一句“东村河边乌龟爬”？
“天若有情天亦老”，下一句“人若有情死的早”？
“葡萄美酒夜光杯”，下一句“金钱美女一大堆”…
“想当年，金戈铁马”，下一句“看今朝，死缠烂打”…
这个才过瘾！“洛阳亲友如相问”，同学对“请你不要告诉他”…
“两情若是长久时”，同学对“该是两人结婚时”
“书到用时方恨少”，同学对“钱到月底不够花”…
“清水出芙蓉”，有人写“乱世出英雄”…
“问君能有几多愁”，同学填“恰似一壶二锅头”。
这个绝了！“日照香炉生紫烟，李白来到洗手间，小李飞刀一瞬间，李白变成小太监”…！

Something To Offend Everyone

2009-09-24T12:38:00.003+10:00

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
40 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, ......, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Fondling In Bed

2009-09-24T12:11:00.003+10:00

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly working his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lovers' stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, carressing past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful, why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote."

Performance Art by Liu Bolin - Invisible man

2009-09-22T17:04:00.003+10:00

Wouldn't you love to do this to some people

2009-09-17T20:46:00.000+10:00

很黄很暴力，很傻很天真 - 2009 id 大型评比以及解说

2009-09-15T14:18:00.003+10:00

最具耐心奖：爬上墙头等红杏
最疯狂奖: 骑牛撞交警
最有权利奖: WCCEO （厕所首席）
最有学问奖：阏！！ "郁闷(於门)"
最佳整蛊奖：猪是的念来过倒
最自夸奖：帅的惊动党中央
最不合逻辑奖：非洲小白脸
最过目难忘奖: 我一贱你就笑　　
最佳组合奖：化腐朽为绵掌　　
最自私奖：请偷我对门
最有自知之明奖: 今夜酷寒不宜裸奔　　
最具名人效应奖：怕瓦落地　　
最骄傲奖: 一年硬两次一次硬半年
最委屈奖：他们逼我做卧底　　
最实话实说奖: 小泉，纯一狼
最自不量力奖: 贫僧夜探青楼　
最有雄心壮志的奖：我要一桶浆糊（一统江湖）　　
最具黑道风范奖: 手起刀落人抬走　　
最有自知之明奖：丑的拖网速　
最没有风度奖：输了就掀桌子　
最不会享受生活奖：打的去埃及　　
最调侃奖：用你的左眼猛击我的右拳
最经典奖：本人已死，有事烧纸　　
最有个性奖：妈驴脸猛鹿（玛丽莲.梦露）　　
最掉胃口奖：嘿，单炒饭最怕死（屎）
最牛X奖：两母牛盘腿对坐　　
最废话奖：月,经常来。
最不可思议奖：卖女孩的小火柴　　
最是~奖：队长别开枪　
最有诗意奖：缘来如此　　
最有计谋奖：三十六计，西游计　　
最佳篡改奖：塞翁失身，焉知非福　　
最佳泡妞奖：善解人衣　
最坏人奖：男生进女厕，心情多快乐　
最流氓奖：少年不流氓，发育不正常　　
最坦白奖：我这个人有志气，还有脚气。　　
最可怜爱情奖：暗恋未遂　　
最狠赌博奖：四裤全输　　
最发烧奖：见男春（剑南春)

最具耐心奖：爬上墙头等红杏
【得奖评语】见过守株待兔的，但爬上墙头等别人“红杏出墙”的倒是第一次见。　

最谦虚奖：一般一般全国第三　
【得奖评语】没有自称全国第一确实难得，但我们想知道他这个“第三”是根据什么标准得的？　

最腻心奖：一脸的美人痣！
【得奖评语】想知道“宁缺毋滥”什么意思，看看她的脸就知道了。

最有学问奖：阏！！　
【得奖评语】经调查全国75%的网友不明白这个字的意思，其实是“郁闷(于门)”之意，因此该网名获“最有学问奖”实至名归。

最佳整蛊奖：驴是的念来过倒　
【得奖评语】看过的100%会中招，没有不倒过来念的。

最自夸奖：帅得惊动党中央　
【得奖评语】真的是吹牛不上税，但吹牛吹得这么有创意倒也难得，同时获奖的还有“毛主席夸我帅”。　

最不合逻辑奖：非洲小白脸　
【得奖评语】非常遗憾他没有来到现场领奖，我们非常想看看非洲的小白脸怎样白！　　

最具名人效应奖：怕瓦落地　
【得奖评语】这条网名的创意不仅仅在于它巧妙地与世界名人帕瓦罗蒂谐音，更重要的是它提醒我们一个社会现状：现在危房多，尤其是那些在危房里上学的孩子，特别“怕瓦落地”。

最无厘头奖：唐伯虎点蚊香　　
【得奖评语】能拿无厘头的杰出代表周星驰的电影《唐伯虎点秋香》开涮，获此奖无可争议。　

最痴迷网友奖：卖血上网　
【得奖评语】古有卖身葬父，今有卖血上网；一个孝感天地，一个 e 网情深。　　

最花心奖：朝三暮四郎　
【得奖评语】这个奖颁得有些误会，因为这位来自XX的网友并不花心，他的真名是佐佐木，因为排行老四，故称佐佐木四郎，不幸的是他的汉语拼音不是很准，拼成了“朝三暮四郎”，故被人误会成花心大萝卜。

最佳组合奖：化腐朽为绵掌　
【得奖评语】将“化腐朽为神奇”与“化骨绵掌”巧妙结合，创造出一个独具风味的网名。　

最惊悚奖：听张国荣讲鬼故事　
【得奖评语】 “听张震讲鬼故事”是有名的午夜惊悚广播，但将人名巧妙一改，更具惊悚效果。

善解人衣(一字之差就由好同志变成了不良青年)
粑粑(这人居心不良，用智能的一不小心就会打成“爸爸”)
第49次戒烟失败(我看你也别继续戒下去了，浪费时间和表情)
梅川酷子(把中文同音字的妙处发挥得淋漓尽致) 同、吉川条库(好想知道主人是否有返祖现象)
一天一日，一日一天(自已理解去）
扎女孩的小辫子(相类似的还有卖姑娘的小火柴、采姑娘的老蘑菇、捞猴子的月亮)
足球上篮(体育爱好者的新游戏，不久即发现有人叫篮球破网，可以触类旁通)
男名牌本科体健貌端无不良嗜好有房有车年薪百万(征婚来了)
用刘德华的声音唱张学友的歌(高难度啊！)
我妈妈叫我不要告诉陌生男人我的名字和电话号码(知道了，一回生两回熟，下回告诉我)
吃井不忘挖水人(强！井都被你吃了)
我想起个好名可是想不出什么好名只好将就了(你嫌不嫌罗嗦啊，不过也够坦白的)
我就不信注册不上(用这个果然注册上了)
骑着上帝去流浪(够大胆、前卫的了)
帅得不敢上厕所(怪可怜的，担心厕兜爆炸？)
吻舞双全(有这两个强项，泡 MM 应该不难)
烟酰胺腺嘌呤二核苷酸磷酸氧化还原酶辅酶(典型的化学系毕业生)
肺部未见明显异常(肯定在“非典”那段时间注册的)
别信我，我在说谎(你不说，大家也知道)
暗恋未遂(暗恋都不成功，真是失败！建议找块豆腐一头碰死算了)
长这么帅我容易嘛我(像你这么不要脸才是真不容易)
帅得惊动了党中央(不知有什么证据没有？)
王菲追我半条街(不知你到底做错了什么，可能跟那个叫谢霆锋暗恋我很多年的有关)
爱生活，爱拉登(美国人听了肯定不高兴，不过某洗发水厂家是一定偷乐了)
千呼万唤“屎”出来(好端端一句雅诗，就给你糟蹋了)
我卖裤衩上网我容易吗(不容易，真是网虫，咱们视频吧)
我想我是一头猪(不管怎么说，起码是佩服你的勇气，人贵有自知之明啊)
我媳妇贼败家(真可怜你啊，家丑也拿来外扬)
极品人渣(自己说自己是人渣的，我还第一次见，还是极品呢，厉害)
公主牵老牛(看来是农村的公主)
四裤全输(认你是赌棍肯定没错了)
眼睛会勾魂(厉害，但我眼睛还会放电呢)
今夜酷寒不宜裸奔(其实天气热裸奔也是不合适的)

========== 红颜特别加送 ===========

最白痴 id 集团奖：一个人玩真没劲，两个人玩才有劲，三个人玩很费劲，四个人玩不较劲，⑤个人玩更有劲

Yoga for men

2009-09-10T18:07:00.000+10:00

Yoga for Men

水调歌头 - 重上井冈山

2009-09-07T17:02:00.003+10:00

毛泽东（1965年5月）

久有凌云志，重上井冈山。
千里来寻故地，旧貌变新颜。
到处莺歌燕舞，更有潺潺流水，高路入云端。
过了黄洋界，险处不须看。

风雷动，旌旗奋，是人寰。
三十八年过去，弹指一挥间。
可上九天揽月，可下五洋捉鳖，谈笑凯歌还。
世上无难事，只要肯登攀。

教室铭

2009-09-04T14:10:00.004+10:00

分不在高，及格就行；学不在深，作弊则灵。斯是教室，唯吾闲情。小说翻得快，杂志翻得勤。琢磨下围棋，寻思看电影。可以打瞌睡，想女友，无书声之乱耳，无复习之劳形。是非跳舞场，堪比游乐厅。心理云："混帐文凭！"

附刘禹锡《陋室铭》

山不在高，有仙则名。水不在深，有龙则灵。斯是陋室，惟吾德馨。苔痕上阶绿，草色入帘青。谈笑有鸿儒，往来无白丁。可以调素琴，阅金经。无丝竹之乱耳，无案牍之劳形。南阳诸葛庐，西蜀子云亭。孔子云：“何陋之有？”

英文字母新写法

2009-09-02T20:08:00.004+10:00

“整形”国际化，恶搞“英文字母新写法”

The Human Body - Very infomative!

2009-09-02T15:26:00.002+10:00

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's pen_ s is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

...

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

有钱女网络炫富之后所引发的互相PK

2009-08-31T10:22:00.003+10:00

南宁一网友，自称是女性，声称自己年少多金，月薪20多万，开宝马，带江诗丹顿表...

下图是她在南宁时空版所用的头像，自称是她的自拍图片。

接下来PK的一幕发生了,网友纷纷自暴家门...

一个网友进来PK的头像:声称图中所带的表是Patek Philippe(百达翡丽)，钻戒是Tiffany。

其他网友不甘示弱,纷纷进来PK... ...

Is It Male or Female?

2009-08-28T11:29:00.002+10:00

Ever wondered the gender of a photocopier? Wonder no more, the answers to all your gender questions are here, You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are either male or female.

Below are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong ones.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female, because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

A joke about Aussie

2009-08-24T23:16:00.002+10:00

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne and when drink orders were taken the Aussie asked for rum and coke which was placed before him.

The attendant then asked the Muslim whether he would like a drink. He replied in disgust that he would rather be ravished by a dozen whores than let liquor touch his lips.

The Aussie handed back his drink and said: "Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

From The butt of Asian jokes:

It seems that Australians have become the Irish of Asia. Australians have enjoyed Irish jokes for decades, but as we become the Asian Irish there is a touch of the sinister in jokes about Australians coming from China and India.

史上最牛辞职信 - “湖州第一神保”李云舟

2009-08-24T01:05:00.002+10:00

某某物业红丰家园管理处:

　　李云舟者，蜀中高隐，川北野儒也！浪迹江南，栖滞湖州。虽有经天纬地之才。而奈时遇不济，命运多舛，冯唐亦老，李广难封，屈贾谊于长沙，窜梁鸿于海曲；心比天高，身为下贱！自是口吐珠玑，腹罗锦绣，虽无徐儒来下陈蕃之榻，却有文光可射斗牛之虚也！文采风流已临精神世界之绝顶层巅；会当临绝顶，一览众山小，古今才大难为用。文章增命达，魑魅喜人过。吾如屈子之忧时伤世，离骚九歌，离风飘零！世人瞽瞽盲盲，徒留汩罗之憾也；更加深陈老杜，胸怀尧天舜日之志，指奸斥倭，与世不偕，直落得身世浮沉，屑小共怒。可堪千古一慨！

　　吾之品格精神，如临风之玉树，又如当空之明月浩然，怎堪与俗流共舞哉！可叹屈身于湖州某某物业，为一小小秧护员。诚如伏枥之骥，纵有千里之志，而奈缚手缚脚，无所可为，混迹于碌碌无为中矣！鉴于此，特向公司主管大人先生们引咎请辞！从此踏破樊笼飞彩凤，顿开铁锁走蛟龙。好比那万里白鸥鸥驰，驰骋于浩荡云海之间，谁复可训也！

　　即此以致

赵公忠祥列传

2009-08-19T19:15:00.003+10:00

　　赵公忠祥，北京人氏，皇家御用宣谕使者也，听命于司礼监，俯首于黄门郎，于宣谕之台牛马走。非权贵而权贵垂青，非贵胄而贵胄私喜，盖因赵公别有绝技耳。

　　夫赵公，声若洪钟，音若金吕，高低抑扬，亢仄自如，每有宣谕，无不顿挫悠扬，声声入耳者。或有圣谕昭告天下之时，司礼监必奉旨钦点，则赵公必运动七窍，腹走真气，胸溢豪情，启丹朱之唇，转多情之珠，掀忠厚之鼻，甚或垂涕泣之泪，娓娓而诵圣谕，款款而宣洪恩，闻者如痴如醉，听者欲仙欲死，如是则上悦下喜，赵公名矣。

　　然赵公之计不止此耳：腊尽除夕，宫中宴舞，与民同乐之际，则赵公必粉妆登台，执文武山呼之牛耳，领内侍谢恩之班头，颂河海清晏之辞赋，宣五洲捷报之瑞祥，化干戈为玉帛，扫狼烟为凯歌，当是时也，万民涕泣天恩，朝野歌舞达旦，此皆赵公于宣谕台鼓舌簧之功也，由是而赵公受赏无算，老而愈名之者也。

　　又，赵公精于兽语，举凡两足四脚，无翼有翅，食肉反刍，甚或蚊纳虫瘿，赵公多有识之者，每有所述，无不绘声绘色，状其逼肖，妇孺辈往往痴迷，竟不知人兽之别也。

　　甲申卯月，忽有民女某伏阙上书，自爆与赵公苟且事。赵公大愤，直斥其非，意者某女欲行讹诈也。有司案验，未得其祥，然朝野耸动，城乡争说之势已成燎原也。论者曰：赵公名满天下，成也天下，败也天下，是天下可容赵公，亦可轻弃赵公也。余则谓“此中有真意，欲辩已忘言”者也。

充满人生哲理的寓言

2009-08-19T12:40:00.004+10:00

小驴问老驴：为啥咱们天天吃干草，而奶牛顿顿精饲料？

老驴叹到：咱爷们比不了，我们是靠跑腿吃饭，人家是靠胸脯吃饭。

......

职业的选择非常重要

鸭子和螃蟹赛跑，一起到达终点，难分胜负。

裁判说：你们来个剪刀石头布吧。

鸭子大怒：妈的，算计我？我一出是布，他总是剪刀。

......

竞争需要有天赋

狗对熊说：嫁给我吧，嫁给我你会幸福。

熊说：才不呢，嫁给你只会生狗熊，我要嫁给猫，生熊猫那才尊贵呢。

......

婚姻需要理智

老鳖调戏河蚌，被咬。老鳖忍痛拖着河蚌来回爬。青蛙见了敬佩的说：鳖哥混大了，出入都夹着公文包。

......

该装的时候就得装

史记 - 货殖列传 - 王石传

2009-08-18T19:27:00.002+10:00

王石者，或言其安徽人也，其籍不可考，或传其父从定西侯震征新疆，有功，后为柳州转运使，中年得石，极宠之。及石长，有大志，狼行鶻顾，时人异之，昔粤省督以女妻之。石倚父翁之名，周旋商贾，无不得心应手，后以地产为业，竟致富可敌国。石好登山，每出，必耗资百万，尽兴而止。其人又好自传，开博客，书其事，图其影，以为宣传，纵行小善，必勒石以记，其好名如斯。好事者奉为偶像，附于其门下者多矣。

红朝五十九年四月初八日，会蜀郡汶川地大动，山崩河堰，祸及数百里，县镇至有顷刻夷为平地者，开国以来灾害之惨烈，无过于此。自是，举国皆惊，官商军民冒死往救者以百万计。富商巨贾，贩夫走卒，无不慷慨解囊，倾力以助。几数日，举国捐助愈六十亿，其间侠义之事不胜枚举，殊可叹也，中华重现复兴之象焉。

石迫其势，痛捐二百万文以为赈，又厌善捐者过其右，乃言于众曰:“灾者，常态也，我尝语仆从，人捐十文可也，多捐则负担重矣。”闻者哗然，或责以义，石强辩于其博客，不逞，遂闭其言路，不纳众人。舆论一时汹汹，至有嗤石为“王十”者。

四月十二日，上赴蜀中抚慰，民心大定，举国抗灾，同心如鉄。上与中书令共商赈灾及重建事，语及灾民，心甚戚戚焉。忽有闻，石已通工部侍郎及蜀郡工部咨事等，言谈间，隐然已定其灾后商计矣。

太史公曰：商贾之道，固有无利不起，亦有道义存焉。富而忘义，是为富不仁也。当世富豪如和黄李氏，台塑王氏，江苏陈氏者，无不倾囊以救国难，孟子曰：“古之人，得志，泽加于民；不得志，修身见于世。穷则独善其身，达则兼善天下。” 不亦宜乎？石暴富于先，吝捐于后，冒言于众，谋私于暗，不亦鄙乎。或讽石曰：公遍越世之绝岭，可越汶川一坟乎?

注：

王石，万科总裁，别号“坟头男”。
不管你征服多少座高峰，你的心灵却高不过一座坟头。致王石，尊重你的决定，鄙视你的人格！

The Hairdryer

2009-08-17T18:55:00.002+10:00

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, my child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

心理学

2009-08-10T10:23:00.001+10:00

内向的小张在酒吧里看到一位容貌美丽的女子。犹豫了很久之后，他终于鼓起勇气，走近她，低声问：“我能和你谈谈吗？“

突然女子高声叫了起来：“不，我不和你睡觉！"

整个酒吧的人都把目光盯在他俩身上，小张非常尴尬，红着脸一言不发，非常委屈的退回自己的座位。

过了一会儿，那位女子走到小张身边，低声道：“对不起，我是心理系的学生，刚才我只是想试验一下人们在尴尬的情况下反映如何。”

这时，小张高声的叫道：“你要两百元也太贵了！“

Brazil vs. Argentina

2009-08-04T12:17:00.002+10:00

Before the football match between Argentina and Brazil, an Argentinean condom company came up with this ad.

Brazil won the match and their Football organization replied to the ad.

Proportion of Consumption Met By Recycled Materials

2009-08-04T12:05:00.004+10:00

Original Numa Numa and Chinese Parody Version

2009-08-01T00:42:00.002+10:00

The history of "Giving the Finger"

2009-08-01T00:20:00.001+10:00

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

And yew thought yew knew everything.

投入与产出 - lesson learned from 哈佛

2009-07-27T22:35:00.003+10:00

一男赶集卖猪，天黑遇雨，二十头猪未卖成，到一农家借宿。少妇说：家里只一人不便。男：求你了大妹子，给猪一头。女：好吧，但家只有一床。男：我也到床上睡，再给猪一头。女：同意。半夜男与女商量，我到你上面睡，女不肯。男：给猪两头。女允，要求上去不能动。少顷，男忍不住，央求动一下，女不肯。男：动一下给猪两头。女同意。男动了八次停下，女问为何不动？男说猪没了。女小声说：要不我给你猪……天亮后，男吹着口哨赶30头（含少妇家的10头）猪赶集去了……哈佛导师评论：要发现用户潜在需求，前期必须引导，培养用户需求，因此产生的投入是符合发展规律的。

...

另一男得知此事，决意如法制，遂赶集卖猪，天黑遇雨，二十头猪未卖成，到一农家借宿。少妇说：家里只一人不便。男：求你了大妹子，给猪一头。女：好吧，但家只有一床。男：我也到床上睡，再给猪一头。女：同意。半夜男商女，我到你上面睡，女不肯。男：给猪两头。女允，要求上去不能动。少顷，男忍不住，央求动一下，女不肯。男：动一下给猪两头。女同意。男动了七次停下，女问为何不动？男说：完事了～～～女：……天亮后，男低着头赶2头猪赶集去了......评论：要结合企业自身规模进行谨慎投资，谨防资金链断裂问题。

Gravity Back Scratcher

2009-07-26T02:08:00.000+10:00

Learn how to scratch your back. Learn the doggy way...

大学毕业宿舍楼外惊现大幅床单墨宝

2009-07-26T01:55:00.010+10:00

Imagine Movies Without Women

2009-07-26T01:46:00.001+10:00

河北高考得0分的作文

2009-07-22T18:17:00.001+10:00

请以《站在________的门口》为题写一篇文章。
要求：
1.请先将题目补充完整，并写在答题卡上，然后作文。
2.立意自定。
3.文体不限。可以记叙经历，抒发感情，发表议论，展开想象，等等。
4.不少于800字

站在洗头房的门口

夜幕降临，华灯初上的时候，街边一排洗头房无疑成为光怪陆离的都市以唯一的一抹亮色，一点温馨。我酒足饭饱后，站在人头攒动的夜市旁，望着临近的洗头房，心中不禁泛起阵阵感慨：它们卑处一隅，绝不炫耀，毫无所求，只知奉献，精巧别致的房间透露着橘红色的，以一种柔和暧昧和都市里华而不实的霓虹灯苍白刺眼的路灯对峙着，争辩着，以无言的行动响应着国家节约型社会的号召。周围尽管一片杂乱喧嚣，但它的门面布局仍是那么古色古香，让你不由得驻足停留，细细欣赏。传统的对联式门框在这里复现：上联：按摩，下联：休闲，横批：美容美发，将中国风的精髓发挥得淋漓尽致。洗头房内不时传来形象代言人任贤齐的歌声：“ 我让你依靠，让你靠，没什么大不了”，更增添了几分文化气息。一切的特色让街边那些大楼广场黯然失色。

倚门站立着几位年轻的姑娘，身着复古的服饰，仅以一片红花布遮住前胸，让我想起远古人民的伟大。她们脸上挂着诚挚的笑容，洋溢着扑面而来的热情，召唤鼓舞着沿街的革命同志，不管是满身酒气的大款，满脸疲惫的民工，还是稚气未脱的学生，都一视同仁，毫无偏见，在这个孤寂的夜晚去温暖他们那冰冷空荡的内心，敬业的精神让我不禁肃然起敬。看着看着，我的眼里闪出了泪花，脑海中想起了貂蝉，李师师，秦淮八艳，想起了舒淇，李丽珍，杨思敏，想起了刚刚离我们而去的人民艺术家饭岛爱，以及为事业鞠躬尽瘁死而后已的武藤兰同志，尽管她们分工不同，但没有高低贵贱之分，同样日日夜夜挥汗如雨地工作，在灵与肉的碰撞中，在吆喝呻吟中体验着劳动的光荣和快感，

在频频出入洗头房的人群中，我惊讶的发现了几张极为熟悉的面孔，那不是李书记，张局长，赵主任一行嘛，跟在他们身后的是刚刚提拔的刘干事，白天任劳任怨，以干事为己任，夜晚仍不忘发挥余热，深入洗头房继续干事。这些可亲可敬的领导干部们舍小家，为大家，含泪抛下独守空房的妻子，两眼张望的老人，三过家门而不入，淡泊名利，避开群众们关切火辣的眼光，不辞辛劳，穿街走巷，从群众中来，到群众中去，以共产党员模范带头作用感染着社会底层，和洗头房的小姐通宵奋战，彻夜长谈，从金瓶梅到春梅腊梅，从票子到马子、奶子，检验着社会主义精神文明建设的成果。看在眼里，我热泪盈眶，谁说官民势如水火，我说官民情同鱼水，难舍难分！

夜色渐沉，洗头房的灯逐渐暗了下去，我知道领导和小姐之间的探讨切磋会正在召开。有这样的领导，国之大幸，民之大幸，何愁不能国泰民安，构建和谐社会也自是指日可成。想到这里，我陡增生活的信心和勇气，也默默祝福他们保重身体。

First Tech Support Guy In History

2009-07-21T18:58:00.000+10:00

Horrible Jobs

2009-07-21T18:39:00.001+10:00

Horrible Jobs

View more presentations from Daily.Treat.

经典语句

2009-07-20T19:01:00.002+10:00

够强！赶紧找避雷针

我这人从不记仇,一般有仇当场我就报了。
别在我的坟前哭。脏了我轮回的路。
已经将整个青春都用来检讨青春，还要把整个生命都用来怀疑生命。
是这样的张总，妳在家里的电脑上按了CTRL+C，然后在公司的电脑上再按CTRL+V是肯定不行的。即使同一篇文章也不行。不不，多贵的电脑都不行。
你要是鲜花，以后牛都不敢拉粪了！
我以为你只是1和3中间的数，没想到你还是1和3俩数的组合。
先是《中国不高兴》，然后是《中国为什么不高兴》，接下来是《中国凭什么不高兴》、《中国怎么那么不高兴》、《你说中国怎么那么不高兴》、《凭什么让我说中国怎么那么不高兴》、《凭什么不能让你说中国怎么那么不高兴》、《我他妈哪知道中国怎么那么不高兴》……
自己选择45°仰视别人，就休怪他人135°俯视着看你。
Ralph W. Sockman说：当我们是少数时，可以测试自己的勇气；当我们是多数时，可以测试自己的宽容。
牧羊，一辈子都在急；金牛，一辈子都在守；双子，一辈子都在徘徊；巨蟹，一辈子都在等；狮子，一辈子都在控制；处女，一辈子都在准备；天秤，一辈子都在权衡；天蝎，一辈子都在猜疑；射手，一辈子都在玩儿；摩羯，一辈子都在奋斗；水瓶，一辈子都在做梦；双鱼，一辈子都不知道自己在做什么。
在职场中就应该像柯南那样，有一种我走到哪就让别人死到哪的霸气。
一群食人族上班，经理再三交代不能吃同事，答应。过几天忍不住，偷吃一个清洁工人，当即被发现。其感悟是：千万别吃真正做事的人。
李碧华说过：什么叫多余？夏天的棉袄，冬天的蒲扇，还有等我已经心冷后你的殷勤。
永远年轻，永远装嫩，永远不知好歹，永远热泪盈眶。
很多时候你只是某个人的练爱对象而非恋爱对象。
钱钟书先生对杨绛女士有这样一段评价，后来被社会学家视为理想婚姻的典范：a、在遇到她以前，我从未想过结婚的事。b、和她在一起这么多年，从未后悔过娶她做妻子。c、也从未想过娶别的女人。
你攒够四块五，我也攒够四块五，我们就可以去民政局结婚了。
个人感觉，在网络上要转向“慢”了，资讯越快，越是要等几天让事实浮现，第一时间人肉，第一时间谴责，第一时间落泪，都无太多必要。
我爸面对我发胖一事发表了看法：没有韩红的命，还得了韩红的病。
一切问题最终都是时间问题，一切烦恼其实都是自寻烦恼。
你来我信你不会走，你走我当你没来过。——我们该这样对待缘分与爱。
“上了年纪最大的好处就是：年轻时得不到的东西，现在你不想要了。”
世界上所有男人都是骗子。不管是漂亮还是不漂亮的女人都会被骗。有所不同的是，幸运的女人找到了一个大骗子，骗了她一辈子。不幸的女人找到了一个小骗子，骗了她一阵子。
人最软弱的地方，是舍不得。舍不得一段不再精采的感情，舍不得一份虚荣，舍不得掌声。我们永远以为最好的日子是会很长很长的，不必那麽快离开。就在我们心软和缺乏勇气的时候，最好的日子毫不留情地逝去了。
曾以为我是那崖畔的一枝花，后来才知道，不过是人海一粒渣。
现在你骂我，是因为你还不了解我，等你以后了解了我，你一定会动手打我的。
一日不读书，无人看得出；一周不读书，开始会爆粗；一月不读书，智商输给猪。
当前我国女性成功大概有如下四种途径：第一，学好英语，嫁老外。第二，学好英语，出国读书，嫁老外。第三，学好英语，出国读书，学成归国，嫁老外。第四，学好英语，出国读书，学成归国，努力打拼，嫁老外。
有的人聪明得像天气，多变；有的人傻得像天气预报，变天它都看不出来。
马不停蹄的错过，轻而易举的辜负，不知不觉的陌路。
石头记告诉我们：凡是真心爱的最后都散了，凡是混搭的最后都团圆了。
如果你不是经常遇到挫折，这表明你做的事情没有很大的创新性-伍迪.艾伦
两个人在一起，更多的不是改变了对方，而是接受了，所以说包容呢，如果光想着改变，那不是生活，那是战争。
人永远不知道谁哪次不经意的跟你说了再见之后就真的再也不见了。
很多事都介于“不说憋屈“和“说了矫情“之间。
通往成功的路，总是在施工中。
我不下地狱，谁爱下谁下
猜一句英文：「ABABBBAAAAAABBBABAAAABBBBAABBBAAAAA」？〈答案：Long time no C〉
想你的眉目，想到模糊。——突然觉得，思念大都如此，越来越淡
在经年后，感叹，那两个少年：一个惊艳了时光，一个温柔了岁月。
你永远也无法理解，为了让自己对生活发生兴趣，我们付出了多大的努力。
孔子曰，中午不睡，下午崩溃；孟子曰，孔子说的对。
如果她（他）对你说：”忘了我吧。＂你告诉对方：”我一直没记住。＂
20岁看体力；30岁看学历；40岁看经历；50岁看智力；60岁看病历；70岁看日历；80岁看黄历；90岁看舍利。
“恋”是个很强悍的字。它的上半部取自“变态”的“变”，下半部取自“变态”的“态”。

Astro Boy Chinese Version Theme Song

2009-07-08T23:53:00.002+10:00

越过辽阔天空，啦啦啦飞向遥远群星，

来吧，阿童木，爱科学的好少年。

善良勇敢的，啦啦啦铁臂阿童木，

十万马力，奇大神力，无私无畏的阿童木。

穿过广阔田地，啦啦拉潜入深深海洋，

来吧，阿童木，爱和平的好少年，

善良勇敢的，啦啦啦铁臂阿童木，

我们的好朋友啊，无私无畏的阿童木，

我们的好朋友啊，无私无畏的阿童木。

演唱：中国少年合唱团

And then the fight started...

2009-07-03T19:58:00.002+10:00

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her some bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Name the picture

2009-06-29T18:53:00.008+10:00

These are pretty clever. Try to resist moving too quickly. Look at each picture, try to determine what it represents, and then look at the answer below the picture.

LIGHT BEER

CARD SHARK

ASSAULTED PEANUT

DOCTOR PEPPER

EGG PLANT

KINGHT MARE

WHOLE MILK

KING OF POP

TAP DANCER

GATOR AIDE

A POOL TABLE

AND FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iPod

A wish for ALL of the difficult People in your life

blah blah woof woof

How engineering work - Folding Plug H 264

2009-06-25T11:42:00.000+10:00

Not so great moment in sports

2009-06-24T16:45:00.000+10:00

找不到女朋友的男人的八大特征

2009-06-23T01:25:00.007+10:00

一、穷

我想这已经是共识，没钱？那就别想谈女朋友了，别再幻想着什么纯洁无暇爱情了，都是扯淡。当你憋着小嘴愤愤不平的拿这个诅咒分手女友的无情的时候，那只能说明你无能懦夫懒惰加上小人，离开你是明智选择。给你个富婆说不定你绝情的嘴脸比谁都更丑陋。所以，男人，想讨老婆就中毒骗人吧，不管你混黑社会杀人放火贩毒走私只要你能弄到票子女人就多得让你眼花了。　
二、丑

经典语句，长得丑不是你的错，出来吓人就是你不对了，如果你敢说一句外表不是主要的，心灵美才是重要的，打住，那我就给你一头猪一样的恐龙做老婆我看你什么反映，己所不欲勿施与人，当你做着癞蛤蟆想吃天鹅肉的美梦时，女孩还在走着灰姑娘的神呢。　
三、薄

这个薄是脸皮薄的意思，如果你文质彬彬，甚至会害羞，傻傻的，你如果不是内心真有点城府的话，那看来你跟异性也是绝缘了，别想着八十年代电影里女孩说傻的可爱了，时代不同了，并且进步太快了。如果你能达到不要脸的流氓地步，也是泡妞的最高境界了。　
四、专

这里指的是在一棵树上吊死，如果你是个痴情专一的汉字，对一个MM渴望用坚持和痴情来感动，我想你离沉重打击不远了，现在的MM才不喜欢你用情专一呢，如果你能到处沾花惹草正说明你的本事，MM虽然会幽怨，其实底子里才更看得起你呢。保证你召之即来，挥之即去。　
五、笨

这里的笨是指嘴笨，不需要你多厉害的口才，但是甜言蜜语是要会说的，哪怕你心里想着另一个MM，口里把对这个MM的感情换个名字说给那个听也行，爱的肉麻。　
六、真

其实和五差不多，就是太真诚了，MM是要来骗和哄的，你傻傻的都说实话掏老底，嘿嘿，那你也等着MM和你拜拜吧。　
七、小

此小非那个．．．小，嘿嘿，是胆小，好像和三类似，但也不是，只要有机会，能拉手早拉手，拉了手了要赶快亲，亲完了赶快找地上床，不要觉得太快了，现在是个效率的社会，你不快有人比你快，也别担心MM会觉得你轻浮，她比你还急呢。不信? 等上了床你就知道了。
八、跑

专指看贴不回贴就跑了的人,这类也是找不到女朋友的,自己掂量吧．．．

选老婆的金科玉律

2009-06-22T17:40:00.004+10:00

一个男人的品位在于选择妻子，选择了什么样的妻子就等于选择了什么样的人生。

　　俗话说，男怕入错行，女怕嫁错郎，男人何尝不是，写《菜根谭》的洪应明就说过“悍妻诟谇，真不若耳聋也！”浓妖不及淡久，婚姻也是这样。

　　比如娶一个好女人，就能赋予一个男人闲适的心情——

一个女人最重要的品质应该是善良，而且百善孝为先。天下不知道有多少苦命的男人在受着自己的媳妇和自己亲妈之间的夹板气？

如果我是一个男人，要是将要成为我媳妇的女孩敢问我“我和你妈掉河里，你先救谁？”我一准把她 pass 掉，这根本就不是人话！
贤惠，这是亘古不变的女性美德。
知书达礼，这是新时代对妇女与时俱进的要求。一个女人的气质和教养是丰富内心的流露，也是与别人真正拉开距离的所在。
有思想、有品位。有思想使得她不屑于插足别人之间的闲话，她从来都是个“绝缘体”。有品位，使得她能匠心独运地表达自己的风格。

我不能容忍自己的老婆看见什么都走不动道，不光是因为我穷，不能惯她这毛病！
懂事。对于男人最重要的是尊严，她可以在家里抨击我，但不能在公众场合讽刺、嘲笑我。一个不懂维护丈夫的尊严的女人，不要也罢。
充分信任，相对自由。喜新厌旧其实是人的本能，谁也不能保证一辈子只对一个人有好感。

奉劝天下所有将要结婚的女人用心学习《医学心理学》，充分理解自己的丈夫喜欢在画报、网页上凝眸美女的嗜好，不要因为这些下意识的行为而吹毛求疵。否则就是将婚姻推向死亡。他想独自呆一会儿，不要碎嘴地问什么究竟，送上一杯茶，轻轻把门关上就好了。
有一份稳定的收入。不依附于男人生存女人才能做到独立，自尊。

没有过多的物质欲望。这一点非常重要！自古成由俭败由奢。何况安于现状和乐观的天性使她能够将青春延续。过分的虚荣往往使非“财大气粗”的男人产生精神紧张，甚至为此不堪重负。

我的媳妇应该宝马汽车坐得，自行车也能骑得；五星级酒店住得，野营的帐篷也不嫌弃，吃得苦中苦，方为人上人。
拒绝灯红酒绿，不对异性过分热情。她有着良好的生活习惯，抽烟、饮酒、通宵达旦的宴饮狂欢都不会发生在她身上，她不会到酒吧、夜总会这样的地方消磨时间。
她知道自己的价值不是取悦异性，所以不会主动和别的男的搭讪，曲高和寡的才是阳春白。
天真有一点童趣。一个男人若是真的喜欢一个女人，就应该最大程度地呵护她的纯真。未失童趣的女子，能让漫长枯燥的四目相对其乐无穷。
喜欢读书和音乐。喜欢读书不是看什么花花绿绿的时尚杂志、喜欢音乐也不是什么听过就忘的流行小曲。经典的书籍和音乐能让岁月与生活的琐碎无法在她的心灵上烙下痕迹。
工作能力强，有一技之长。工作中的女人显然没有太多时间疑神疑鬼。有一技之长会使她自得其乐，很好地控制情绪。
当然，长得绝对不能丑，也别太靓，应该是那种越看越顺眼的。
身体健康，并懂得养生之道和基本医学常识。
还有一点很重要，婚姻生活是一个有颜色、有生息、有动静的世界，很难想象一个不具备浪漫、不具备情趣的女人是个好妻子。

　　以上15条标准，应该齐了。拥有这样的女子，纵使太阳和星月都冷了，群山草木都衰尽了，婚姻的光芒还能在记忆的最初，在任何可见和不可知的角落，温暖的燃烧着……
　　

Tired? Have You Ever Been So Tired?

2009-06-22T14:27:00.011+10:00

Prince of Peugeot

2009-06-21T21:53:00.011+10:00

Remember the good old classic game Prince of Persia? Have a look of coming new version!

真心英雄

2009-06-18T22:49:00.000+10:00

词曲：李宗盛
演唱：周华健、成龙、黄耀明、李宗盛

在我心中曾经有一个梦
要用歌声让你忘了所有的痛
灿烂星空谁是真的英雄
平凡的人们给我最多感动
再没有恨也没有了痛
但愿人间处处都有爱的影踪
用我们的歌换你真心笑容
祝福你的人生从此与众不同
把握生命里的每一分钟
全力以赴我们心中的梦
不经历风雨怎么见彩虹
没有人能随随便便成功
把握生命里每一次感动
和心爱的朋友热情相拥
让真心的话和开心的泪
在你我的心里流动

Largest Bankruptcies in History

2009-06-18T13:51:00.001+10:00

人活着，还是要有一点精神的－看街头十岁小女孩漂亮的粉笔书法

2009-06-13T11:02:00.004+10:00

社会混乱，难辨真假，但还是为能有这样的小女孩，能有这样的书法和精神感到钦佩，感动。

为未来，没有精神遗产，留下一点物质遗产也是好的。有钱了，不要忘记回馈于社会。有更多的人，值得我们的帮助。

Smarter Energy

2009-06-12T09:58:00.002+10:00

Publicity Art

2009-06-11T14:06:00.000+10:00

Publicity Art

View more OpenOffice presentations from Daily.Treat.

The World's Smallest Microwave - Beanzawave, cooked by USB

2009-06-11T00:54:00.002+10:00

You don't need to be a Mac person to use it!

Metropolitan Home Design 100

2009-06-10T23:36:00.000+10:00

Metropolitan Home Design 100 from labatrockwell on Vimeo.

2009年最绝最狠小小说 - 静夜思

2009-06-09T16:30:00.001+10:00

床,钱,明月,光,衣失地上,爽!

2008最佳小小说 - 误会

2009-06-09T16:27:00.001+10:00

男短信：晚上有空吗?
女警觉,回：你想干吗?
男大喜,即回：想!

大刀，鬼子们的头上砍去 - 决战中日动漫

2009-06-08T19:04:00.005+10:00

中方：孙悟空、三个和尚、阿凡提、蛋生、海尔兄弟，哪吒、大头儿子、葫芦兄弟、雪孩子、三毛、蓝猫、舒克和贝塔、黑猫警长、骄傲的将军、没头脑和不高兴
日方：机器猫、阿拉蕾、樱木花道、路飞、柯南、千寻、月野兔、特南克斯、青蛙军曹、海王子、鸣人、新一、三目童子、一休、绫波丽、阿童木、大空翼、樱桃小丸子、妖狐藏马、小智

中国古典四大名著的经典概括

2009-06-08T18:47:00.002+10:00

最点题的答案：西游—疯狂的猴子／红楼—疯狂的石头／水浒—疯狂的好汉／三国—疯狂的战争
最时尚的答案：西游—三藏团队的艺术化管理／红楼—败家子是怎么练成的／水浒—兄弟连／三国：是金子总会发光的——记农村优秀青年孔明
最社会的答案：西游—俺们天上有人／红楼—俺们朝廷有人／水浒—俺们江湖有人／三国—俺们有的是人
最批判的答案：西游—公款旅游／红楼—公款追MM／水浒—公款吃喝／三国—为了公款旅游，公款追MM，公款吃喝而奋斗
最畅销的答案：西游—《论旅游开发——唐朝学者记录沿途奇遇》／红楼—《论大观园开发——美女公关口诉公司内幕》／水浒—《论梁山开发——108人旅游团的悲惨遭遇》／三国—《论中原开发——三大公司争夺开发权内幕》
最直接的答案：西游—一个人个三个怪物的故事／红楼：一个男人和一群女人的故事／水浒—一群男人和三个女人的故事／三国—三个男人和战争的故事
最本质的答案：西游—猴子被人驯服／红楼—男人被女人驯服／水浒：好汉被官府驯服／三国—和平被战争驯服
最“有戏”的答案：西游—呔！妖怪！／红楼—嗨！妹妹！／水浒：嘿！老大！／三国—是！将军！
最实用的答案：西游—真经的取法／红楼—爱情的谈法／水浒—牛肉的吃法／三国—战争的打法
最影迷的答案：西游—动物王国历险记／红楼—躺过女人河的男人／水浒—我在黑社会的日子／三国—古惑仔之胜者为王
最歌迷的答案：西游—人在旅途／红楼—你究竟有几个好妹妹／水浒—其实不想走／三国—英雄泪
最无奈的答案：西游—神仙靠不住／红楼—亲戚靠不住／水浒—老大靠不住／三国—盟友靠不住

情人节孔子写给于丹的一封情书

2009-06-06T19:02:00.003+10:00

于丹小妹：

你好！

我是鲁国的孔丘，文雅点说我就是孔仲尼。虽然我们未曾谋面，但是我想你也不会对我觉得陌生，甚至是对我还很熟悉呢。2500多年了，你是我发现的第一个有德有才而且貌美，还非常了解我的女人。情人节到了，目睹别人出双入对，卿卿我我，我这个离了婚的老男人也忍不住春心萌动，写一封情书向你表达我的敬仰之情。

你太有才了。我在2500多年前随便说的语句被弟子们整理成册，后来我听说是叫什么《论语》，想不到还能穿越时空，被你这个美女用大白话说给老百姓听，而且还讲的老百姓非常喜爱听，以至于亚洲，乃至全世界掀起研究我的高潮，我还真的没料到。老实说，有的话也是我随口说说，只是劝说我的弟子怎么做学问，怎么做人，当时也没想过它归于那一家，属不属与哲学，这全是我的弟子和弟子的弟子，以及弟子的弟子的弟子们引经据典，给深刻化了，以至于我的话不能适应时代变化、还停留在“独尊”时代，被束之高阁。我也为这事很心焦，想不到在2500多年后还是你这位美女，用通俗的演讲叩动观众的心弦，让大家和我的想法产生了共鸣，你真是太有才了！虽然也有个别人聒噪，那是吃不到葡萄说葡萄酸！不用理他们，走自己的路让别人说去吧！

我们那个时代流行说“女子无才便是德”，你是有才还有德。我听说你在参加一次慈善活动中，曾捐献了三本书。俗话说“书中自有黄金屋，书中自有颜如玉”。你捐出三本书的价值比现场那掏出钞票的高多了！三本书就是三个黄金屋，三个红颜玉女啊！这那能是现场捐出几千、上万，乃至几十万元的现金所能比拟的呢？！再说了，名人应该捐献多少？应该在什么样的场合下捐献？也没有什么具体的标准，即使什么都不捐，你传播中国传统文化，教人道德高尚的功德谁又能抹杀？况且你还捐出这么多“黄金屋”、“颜如玉”呢？

自古以来，才子爱美女。但是爱那种美女，那是有讲究的。别人曾看到我国卫灵公夫人南子有过接触，就编造我们的绯闻，说我明知道南子“美而淫”，却未“远之”，最后竟然上了她的床！那全是对我的人身攻击。“女人美丽，前20年靠的是父母给你的资本，20年之后，美丽就只有靠自己的修养”所以“外表并不是最重要的”，“气质与内心的默契”才很关键。纵是美女容颜闭花羞月、沉鱼落雁，但美人迟暮终有时，我怎么可能被南子那种只重外表，忽视内在美的女人搞到一起呢？！于丹小妹才是我的最爱啊！我估计，我的粉丝也很认同我的看法，因为于丹小妹不就是靠内在美赢得了2007年度“中国最美50女人“前三甲么？

说点以前从没说过的话，女人的德、才、美貌也很次要。女人无德我可以容忍，做视而不见装；女人无才，我可以影响她，让她用知识改变自己；女人貌丑，我可以出资送她到国外整容。惟独这知音确实千金难买、千载难逢啊。2500多年了，谁有于丹小妹你这么了解我？

我与妻子生气时说过“唯女子与小人为难养也，近之则不孙，远之则怨”，惹得众女侧目，以至于2500多年了，也无女问津,一直过着单身汉的生活。还是于丹小妹给我圆了场，你把我这话解释为“女子送给或嫁给小人是很难活得快乐的，一定会被虐待”。终于让我有了台阶可下！

我不得志时曾以“贫而乐，富而好礼者也”话语给自己打气，给自己加油，那是我说这话时，就是因为害怕别人看不起我，想不到于丹小妹拔高了我的思想境，把我说成一个安于贫贱，不谄媚求人，内心快乐富足、彬彬有礼的君子，这是多么善解人意啊！

当然，于丹小妹用现代人的思维来理解我的话语，比我自己理解自己的话语还要深！要不我的每场讲座也不过是3000弟子在聆听，于丹小妹讲解我的话语时，场场爆满，听说大的演讲会场能容纳上万人呢！至于在央视的百家讲坛那就更厉害了，据说一次就可覆盖上亿人！

在写这封信之前，我曾担心于丹小妹嫌弃我的岁数大，形象邋遢，但是上网查了资料以后，我的心里踏实多了。因为于丹小妹多次在公开场合议论过我的外貌，说“高矮胖瘦都可以，甚至是男是女都没所谓”。所以我心里有了底气，才啰啰嗦嗦了这么多废话，公开向世人表明了我的心意！于丹小妹，你不会生气吧？

如果你能接受我，明天你就会收到我寄送的玫瑰，我尽量坐飞机赶到北京，晚上我们再挑个有情调的地方浪漫晚餐吧？

祝小妹一切顺利！

此致

爱你的仲尼
2009年2月13日于山东

Extreme Winter

2009-06-05T16:39:00.002+10:00

There is a Winter, like in Melbourne where you still can wear shorts, and there is an extreme Winter.

Motivational Posters

2009-06-03T14:36:00.003+10:00

经典短信

2009-06-03T14:11:00.003+10:00

人多的会议不重要，重要的会议人不多；
解决小问题开大会，解决大问题开小会；
解决关键问题不开会，不想解决问题总开会。

最大腐败培训基地：党校；
最大杀手培训基地：驾校；
最大失业培训基地：高校；
最大妓女培训基地：艺校；
最大文盲培训基地：技校；
最大流氓培训基地：警校。

生咱的和咱生的不能忘，
提拔咱的和咱提拔的不能忘；
整咱的和咱整的不能忘；
爱咱的和咱爱的不能忘。

七年前上证2245，七年后上证2245，七年了上涨幅度为零！证监会主席名副其实：上幅零！（尚福林），强烈要求下一届证监会主席叫张万典（涨万点）！

若要一个人高兴，做梦；
若要一家子高兴，做饭；
若是要别人高兴，做东。
若要一辈子高兴，做事；
若要一阵子高兴，做官；

北京一高干子弟跟一山西煤矿老板吹牛：给我一千万在北京没有你办不成的事！老板谦虚地说：那俺给你一亿，你把天安门上的大照片换成俺爹的，行不？

上联：哈哈哈哈哈，下联：嘿嘿嘿嘿嘿。横批：神经有病

如果我们生存的冰冷的世界依然难改变,至少我还拥有你化解冰雪的容颜。

Only great minds can read this

2009-06-01T14:33:00.002+10:00

This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is t aht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

某女征婚

2009-05-31T23:01:00.002+10:00

一，长相要说的过去。不要太帅，也不要太丑，一般即可。太帅的男人让人担心，太丑的男人看了就有想打他的冲动。所谓一般，就是五官端正，看着顺眼。过度自恋的勿扰。　　

　　二，必须是80后。我是87年的，大我两岁小我两岁都没关系，但必须要80后的。毕竟同一个时代的人更能说到一起。90后的不想死就别招惹我。

　　三，个性要独立。你家是否有钱都无所谓，但必须有独立生存的能力。不要什么事都指望家人和我，我要找的是男朋友，不是儿子，也不是情人。
　　
　　四，谈过3个以上女朋友的勿扰。不管你是因为什么原因和前3个女朋友分手，如果是连甩三人，那你就是水性扬花，太花心！如果是连被甩三次，那你也不是什么好东西，可怜之人必有可恨之处。
　　
　　五，“非主流”的勿扰。我骨子里比较传统，你们的行为过于怪异，我看不下去。我们生活的不是一个星球，我对外星人是有敌意的。所以请你们滚远点！
　　
　　六，必须会洗衣服做饭。我肯定是要分担家务的，比如扫地擦地洗碗都可以，但我不想洗衣服做饭的时候你可以帮我。
　　
　　七，懂事，脾气好。不要无理取闹，更不能在朋友面前跟我耍脾气。面子我会给足你，但你要是撕破了面子我也就没必要给你脸了。
　　
　　八，我没有处男情结,希望你也不要有处女情结。
　　　　
　　九，说话带英文的勿扰。英语很有用，但不要对我说。我不懂英文，尤其恶心说中文夹带英文的。我是中国人，请对我讲国语。
　　
　　十，耳洞不能超过2个。我不想看见你身上有太多窟窿，我要的是一个完整的人，不欣赏残缺的美，而且我也没那么多钱送你两个以上的耳环。
　　
　　十一，十八岁之前父母双全。
　　
　　十二，太邋遢的不爱干净的勿扰。清新，干净，可以是不修边幅，但过于邋遢和随意的请自重。总不能天天整一沓拉板然后大裤衩子，头发也跟长了虱子一样，牙齿上还漂着菜叶子呢。这种形象我很难接受！
　　
　　十三，暴牙勿扰。我不想让接吻成为噩梦。
　　
　　十四，会一门手艺。琴棋书画唱歌跳舞弹奏乐器以及手工活儿随便什么都行，可以给生活增加情趣。
　　
　　十五，走姿正确。要以正常的步伐走路，内八字，外八字以及凌波微步的都别找我。人要脚踏实地走正路，不能走歪路。
　　
　　十六，不能太有钱。我是个普通人，没享受过荣华富贵，也没见过那大场面，你吃的东西我都没见过，我吃的东西你咽不下去，太有钱的男人肯定跟我合不了拍子。
　　
　　十七，娇生惯养的死开。我不是公主，你也别当自己是王子，我伺候不起。性格果断点，别整的跟个娘娘腔似的就行。身体也要健康，整天病病殃殃的跟要死了一样还不够我提心吊胆的呢！
　　
　　十八，有爱心。对弱者要有基本的同情心，喜欢落井下石和冷漠的请自重。喜欢讲大话的以及虚荣攀比的请自重。没有那么大的本事就不要说那么大话！最讨厌这种男人，市侩，整个一城市里的模范农民！
　　
　　十九，不能崇洋媚外。我可以和你去国外旅游，但必须知道中国是最好的。我十分热爱自己的国家，如果你跟我说外国的一切都比中国好，我可能会对你实施家庭暴力。
　　
　　二十，同性及一夜情患者勿扰。

独处的思考

2009-05-31T22:10:00.008+10:00

政治虽然有些肮脏，但没有政治的社会可能更肮脏。
民主素质低的不是别人，正是那些不想要民主的官员。
被人洗脑了，却说自己有了信仰。
废话的意义在于表达情感。
可观察的世界遮蔽着可感觉的世界。
思想也能被消费。
哲学不是为了有用，却是为了应用。
死，给了活最大的意义。
众口铄的不是金，而是谎言。
爱国不必主义。
隐私就是保鲜膜。
公民是人民的样本，人民是公民的曲线。
动机真的可以评价行为吗？
改革，是为了历史不再惊人地相似；而改革本身，或许就是惊人相似的历史。
不在于说什么，而在于怎么说；不在于怎么说，而在于谁在说。
借古讽今的游戏使人一点点丧失了反思的力量。
商人远离，铅华洗尽，才露出文化的底色。
恶，是这个世界丰富多彩的原因。
垃圾永远是垃圾，哪怕它是上亿人民币打造的垃圾。
小隐隐于林，中隐隐于市，大隐隐于网。
中国诗歌将被短信挽救！
“那个”到底是哪个啊？
走在中国细节的小路上，直到找到那条传说已久的思想大道。
庄子的独，老子的孤。
中国历史权力的量化方式：权值。
君子是小人里的君子，小人是君子中的小人。
顶是一种精神。
黑格尔说，最高级的器官和最低级的器官是同一个。
难得糊涂的郑板桥，一个患有本体论心肌炎的艺术家，喜欢画些没有实心却号称有节操的竹子聊以充饥。
盲人之所以摸象，就在于没有负面报道。
物质决定意识的另一个说法是，屁股决定脑袋。
时间总是青睐那些忘记时间的人。
只有革自己的命，才叫真正的革命。
思想解放，请从不删帖做起。
余秋雨也是一嘴的老生常痰，啐出来的全不是象牙，那酸不溜秋的形象和话语风格着实让人顿起鸡皮疙瘩，一场秋雨一场寒哪！
感性与理性是相互嵌套的。
朝三暮四，观念之猴。
山峰不因人的征服而不再雄伟，江河也不因人的涉足而不再磅礴。
玄玄方可方不可，依依似明似暗村。
坐忘江山老，今古一雕栏。
红墙犹坐青藤老，绿径空想柳色浓。
生存是最基本的权利，猪也是这么想的。
研究历史不仅可以自娱，还能自欺——目前是历史上最好的XX时期。
话外语潺潺
逻辑阑珊
被动不耐五更寒
梦里不知身是客
一晌贪欢

独自莫胡言
无限字典
别时容易见时难
经史子集春去也
天上人间
自我重复，是最累的。
新闻联播，巴甫洛夫的新实验。
政治的泡沫最大。
只有伦理的忠臣，没有真理的忠臣。
并非平淡生活才是真，而是一切都将归于平淡。
这世上不缺聪明人，缺的是智慧。
不是为了胜与败，而是为了是与非。
瘦是一种理智与克制的体现。
可怜之人必有可恨之处。
爱情，最后的信仰。

泡妞三十六计

2009-05-31T22:04:00.002+10:00

第一计：铁面计。随着社会的发展，MM变得越来越凶。女人猛于虎，既要泡得MM，又不要被MM所伤，最好莫如戴上一幅铁面。有铁面护着，说多肉麻的话，脸不红，妹妹玉手打来鼻不酸来眼不花，当的过份英俊曾从寨主处悟得此计。等妹妹累了烦了芳心也就许了，一幅铁面，胜过德才兼备远矣！忠告是此计莫在大洋用，大洋MM太厉害了，简直是老虎中的老虎。此计尤其在开心E族失效，你有铁面计，东方MM有踢屁功。
　　
　　第二计：打折计。看到一个MM，先要沉得住气。色不迷人人自迷，不要见到MM自家先乱了枪法。再美再傲的MM，都可以打折来看。她盘亮不一定条顺，她是美女，有可能是个草包。无论MM再好，打折打到脚脖子上，也就泯然众人矣。别把MM当回事儿，就成功了一半，威威深信此言。妞无常势，泡无常形，别打折打得太过份，对MM失去兴趣。有位老人家说过，要战略上邈视MM，战术上重视MM。
　　
　　第三计：秋千计。有过打秋千经验的人知道，要想把秋千荡得高，需要一下一下地加力。泡成功一个MM，也得一下一下地加力。今日加力，明日减力，只能在原处晃荡。除非你是世外高人，三天打鱼，两天晒网，保持MM平衡，否则你只有金枪独抱，眼睁睁瞧着人家妞来妹往。记住了，泡妞要有条理，心急吃不了热豆腐。泡妞如做人，需要一步一个脚印。
　　
　　第四计：吃草计。好马不吃回头草，所以好马常饿肚子。这个世道，只要MM存在一天，GG的命运就多舛一天。当MM都象狗熊掰棒子般被扔掉，好在你不是狗熊，目前腋下没有夹着棒子也不要紧，可以回过头再遛一圈。许多MM潜的很深，要小心寻找美人鲨的蛛丝马迹。辛GG在九百年前研究过此计，他说蓦然回首，那妞却在，灯火阑珊处。
　　
　　第五计：高帽计。人都喜欢戴高帽，MM是人，所以MM喜欢戴高帽。懂得拍马屁的GG是好GG，懂得拍MM马屁的GG更是人中俊杰。此计不容易把握，有些水平高的MM，只有水平很高的马屁才能够被薰倒。嘴甜的GG有妞抱，从实践中走来，还将向实践中走去。薰倒的MM容易下手，不过常倒的MM你千万不要下手，比如要提防东方MM倒地时暗藏兔子蹬鹰式。
　　
　　第六计：黄花计。黄花计是指青春易逝，许多事许多人转眼就成昨日黄花，杜秋娘JJ在泡妞三百首中说过，花开堪折直须折，莫待无花空折枝。人生行乐能几时，不只是GG遇到一个好MM不容易，MM遇到一个好GG也不容易。一定要抢抓机遇，与时俱进，MM如黄花，转眼花飞去，泡妞工程，时不我待呀！记得有位浪费掉无数宝贵泡妞时间的GG惨痛回忆，“忆往昔，峥嵘岁月稠，只可惜，没有泡妞空悲切，白了少年头。”
　　
　　
　　第七计：叉饭计。叉饭计是指无论多好饭，总吃一样总会腻的，只有均衡营养，才有利于身体健康。泡妞也是如此道理，才有利于GG们身体健康。你有一天觉得泡某个MM腻了的时候，就要考虑象鱼丝学习，有时候泡米饭MM，有时候泡烧饼MM，泡起妞来健康快乐。饭切忌吃得太饱，MM切忌泡得太多。
　　
　　第八计：土豆计。土豆藤蔓延伸多，土豆就结多远，即使藤蔓被毁，土豆依然可以保存，此计不适用于东方MM，她是生物老师，给她施此计，她挖地三尺也要把土豆刨出来。主旨是泡一个妞要有泡一个妞的收获，不要泡了N个妞，还跟一个妞没泡似的。有个叫保尔的老外说过，GG的一生应该是这样渡过的，当他回首往事，不因虚度年华而悔恨,不因碌碌无妞而感到羞耻，他应该自豪地说……
　　
　　第九计：射雁计。这条计很老了，不过历久弥新，郎君还是把它写上了，老树也可以开新花嘛！两位古人射大雁讨论怎么吃雁的时候，雁已经飞跑了。看到MM，不要总想着泡到手后如何与她嘿咻，正当你做白日梦的时候，她说不定已经倒在别的GG怀里。射雁计主旨该出手时就出手，手出的不准，是技术问题，手出的不快，是思想问题。
　　
　　第十计：金钱计。十个MM九个贪财，泡不到MM不要着急。临渊羡鱼，不如退而结网。在她的裙下死掉一百位GG也与你无关，你只须闷声赚银子。等你腰包鼓了，不用你去泡MM，MM排着队来泡你。有钱的GG自然妙语如珠、貌美枪粗、绅士风度、钻石老五。
　　
　　第十一计：咖啡计。咖啡虽苦可以提神，泡妞虽苦也可以提神。即使你把一位MM泡上了床，也需要知道上床是个力气活。泡妞看起来表面光鲜，其中的酸甜苦辣只有自己知道。有MM的时候自然挺提神，提神过度难免神经衰弱，吃不香，睡不宁，这是典型的泡妞综合症。
　　
　　第十二计：走狗计。这是普天下GG泡妞时用得最多的一条计，在MM眼睛的柔里，我宁愿做一条走狗，不计时间，不计名利，风雨无阻，无怨无悔。其实也挺有效的，走狗计实在是一条朴实无华的泡妞之计呀，推荐指数五星。
　　
　　
　　第十三计：台球计。记得有个段子，说女人和台球的区别，女人是杆进球不进，台球是球进杆不进。虽然泡妹妹的和打台球有区别，但目的都是进洞，虽然不能要求象戴维斯享得利基本上杆杆进洞，也得打几杆进一洞吧。台球计怎么样，不好说呀，泡妞如同打台球，十杆进一洞也是胜利。如果你泡妞只为她的心灵不为她的肉体，那整个大洋的GG都要佩服你的高境界。
　　
　　第十四计：西游计。泡MM好比是师徒四人一马西天取经。泡妞时常不是一个人的事情，而是一群人的事情。一个泡妞三个帮，团结就是力量，大多数MM在群狼面前是没有招架之力的。成功要素是确定一个主泡手，不要妞未泡成，反而自家乱了阵脚，孔夫子有心得，GG之忧，不在泡妞，而在萧墙之内也。
　　
　　第十五计：臭袜计。穿一个月不洗的袜子逻辑上比穿一天不洗的袜子要臭。一个月不泡妞的GG逻辑上要比一天不泡妞的GG劲头要足。这种劲头对MM来说诱惑力太大了，MM也需要尝鲜的。人活着就需要有活着的劲头，泡妞要有泡妞的劲头。
　　
　　第十六计：卖柑计。杭有卖柑者，金玉其外，败絮其中，置于市,价十倍,抢购中。MM就是这样，哪怕她是草包，只要长的漂亮，总是泡者云集。虽然漂亮MM 都是草包，但是想泡漂亮MM，GG就绝不能是草包。假如你是草包怎么办？很好办，你只需桃花运当头，泡她的GG比你更草包。
　　
　　第十七计：两面计。外表绅士，暗地流氓，有这两种面孔的人，泡起妞来厉害得不得了。此计前人之途备矣，郎君不想续貂。只说中国的流氓文化。十个GG九个黄，还有一个是流氓。流氓皆是男人中的才俊之士，因此几千年来，流氓泡妞成功率一直居高不下。在诗经里借抱布贸丝泡妞的是小流氓，升官发财的是大流氓，当皇帝的是最大的流氓。你不要自吹泡的妞多，再多还多过皇帝吗？
　　
　　第十八计：蝴蝶计。你和我是蝴蝶的双翅，停落时挨紧，飞翔时分离。此计运用到妙处，若即若离，如蝶舞动。这是程度较高的GG泡档次较高的MM常用手段。若即若离不是对MM忽冷忽热，而是你的一即一离都要牵动MM的芳心。动心——很奇妙的一件事呀！
　　
　　第十九计：解牛计。庖丁解牛目无全牛，泡妞有了境界也会目无全妞。庖丁解牛十九年来，游刃有余，看到牛还怵然为戒，视为止，行为迟，动刀甚微；熟练的GG看到MM也都会小心翼翼的。庖丁刀下，牛如土委地；GG枪下，妞如土委地。特别注意，庖丁解牛刀十九年而刀刃若新发于硎，郎君不知道世上有没有GG泡妞十九年还枪如少年新的。泡妞慎之，慎之，泡妞天下之凶器，不得已而为之呀！
　　
　　第二十计：画饼计。画饼当然是为了充饥。没有泡到MM，拿张MM的片片总是聊胜于无。郎君曾迷惑，把此计定为画饼计呢，还是望梅记呢？最后还是决定画饼吧，因为已经有情圣鱼丝画过饼了，想必画饼比望梅爽一些。望梅的滋味酸酸的，牙倒了可不妙。画饼容易泡妞难，年年画饼不是咱。
　　
　　第二十一计：唐诗计。熟读唐诗三百首，不会吟诗也会淫。爱的生说过，泡妞天才是百分之一的灵感加上百分之九十九的汗水。你流了百分之九十九的泡妞汗水，差不多已经是泡妞天才了。泡妞是个熟练活儿，没有泡到妞吗？不是你运气不好，而是你不熟练。有诗为证泡妞正当午，汗滴禾下土，谁知泡MM，个个皆辛苦。
　　
　　第二十二计：厕所计。不是教你偷窥上厕所的MM啊。你憋着SN的时候想上厕所，或者上厕所只是想在清净一下，抽根烟，然后呢？当然是离开，有谁BT想在厕所呆一辈子。你有很多种原因去泡妞，你有很多种原因把泡到的妞甩开。唉！这就是现实，未泡妞先打算甩妞，是GG的悲哀也是MM的悲哀。
　　
　　第二十三计：苹果计。苹果砸脑袋，牛顿第一时间想到万有引力。MM经过面前，你要象牛GG学习，要在第一时间想到泡她。世间诸物道理相通，万有引力定理适用于泡妞定理，有漂亮MM经过时，GG总会感觉到万有引力。泡妞成功与GG质量成正比，距离成反比。你一时没有办法提高质量，只有想办法接近距离，近水楼台先得月，近身GG先得妞。其实MM没有人泡，也是挺寂寞的，让一个MM寂寞，简直是在犯罪。不信咱们可以在东方MM身上做个试验，一天不与东方MM打招呼，看东方MM什么反应。不过这个协议可能达不成，东方MM太招狼爱了。
　　
　　第二十四计：小鲜计。治大国如烹小鲜，泡妞如治国。老子的话意思不是说治大国象是烹小鱼一样容易，而是说烹小鱼时不能总是翻动，会把鱼翻烂的，讲的是无为而治。泡妞到了无为而泡的境界，当然是想泡谁就泡谁。不过无为的难度太大，对初学乍练的GG只需要记得说话做事要三思而行，废话少说，闲淡事儿少做。每句话，每件事都要起到良好的泡妞效果，要搔到MM痒处，象烹小鲜一样，翻动不多，却是事半功倍。
　　
　　第二十五计：霸王计。郎君不是让GG们温习好《刑法》后搞rape。温柔对许多MM根本没有杀伤力，那就需要来个霸王硬上弓。初中物理教科书中提示我们，泡妞的阻力是恒定的，那泡妞力度越大，泡妞速度越快。当然你使霸王力的时候，一定会遇到MM的阻力，你用的力一定要超过阻力，否则MM是不会就范的。能不能用霸王计，可以做个小测试，她在街上和一个男人手挽手逛，这时你敢不敢捧起她的脸吻一下，如果不敢，建议你用第二十计吧。
　　
　　第二十六计：睡觉计。如果泡妞萎靡不振，那就好好睡一觉去。你对她朝思暮想，衣带渐宽，她根本不会知道。当面她可以是主，背后就当她是猪好了。睡一觉去吧，明天你可以精神饱满地对她说昨夜一夜未睡，让她的心打鼓去吧。连睡觉都睡不好的GG，怎么能泡得好MM。可以毫不张地说，睡觉是检验泡妞心理素质的唯一标准。
　　
　　第二十七计：开心计。要泡妹妹得先到开心E族贫贫嘴，什么时候练得心花了，眼绿了，嘴油了，就可以泡妞去了。MM喜欢幽默的GG千古不变。梁锦松是怎么泡到伏明霞的，据伏明霞说，梁比较幽默。MM和你在一块儿开开心心的，这时候，你撵MM走，她都舍不得走。建议开心版弄个开心GG比赛，取得名次的皆可出师泡妞。
　　
　　第二十八计：牙婆计：如果没有红娘，张生泡不成莺莺；如果没有王婆，西门庆泡不成潘金莲。中介的力量真是强大呀。不要找GG为你牵线搭桥，顺手牵羊的教训太多了。郎君求学时曾与MM探讨过，要是张生泡红娘，西门庆泡王婆，世界将会怎样？
　　
　　第二十九计：秋鸿计。苏东坡告诫他侄女世上的常用泡妞手段是：人似秋鸿来有信，事如春梦了无痕。春梦无痕说的是三六计计中的最后一计，下文有交待。人似秋鸿说的是泡妞也得讲诚信，虽然女人的别名叫弱智，但女人感觉一向挺灵敏，诚信不诚信，她能感觉到。《礼记·中庸》上说，诚者自成也。
　　
　　第三十计：彩票计。买彩票为了中奖，虽然中奖的可能性很小。泡个好MM和买中头彩的难度差不多。有的GG不见兔子不撒鹰，有的GG的鹰吐血了还是没捕到兔子，但为了泡到合意的MM，GG们还是前赴后继。买彩票看彩经，泡妞看泡经，只能稳稳神罢了，总有总差那么一点的感觉。一道简单的几率题，身材好的MM 一百个里也没一个，漂亮的MM一百个里面也没有一个，有素养的MM一百个里面也没有一个，一百的三次方是一百万，好妹妹是百万里挑一呀！。郎君忠告，中五块钱的彩票也是中彩，泡60分的妞也是泡妞。
　　
　　第三十一计：醉酒计。酒是色媒人，MM喝完酒容易搞定。可是现在很多GG不争气，喝酒喝不过MM。伤心ing，不愿多说。
　　
　　第三十二计：克螂计。屎克螂推粪球，武大郎玩夜猫子，什么档次的GG泡什么档次的MM，一般情况下是这样的，非要癞蛤蟆吃天蛾肉，别最后连苍蝇屎都吃不上。羡慕牛粪上插鲜花是正常的心理反应。可你别小瞧牛粪，他必有过人之处。赖汉取仙妻，表面风光，那赖汉背地里不知道承受了多少苦难，能娶到仙妻的赖汉，与伟人相去不远。
　　
　　第三十三计：守拙计。郭靖将守拙计运用得出神入化，所以武功练成了，黄蓉泡成了。非有大智慧不能用此计，郎君只是提一下这种现象罢了，真能达到大巧若拙境界的，哪里还用郎君教他怎么泡妞，都可以当郎君的老师了。郎君就没见过有真傻的小子能泡到好MM的。
　　
　　第三十四计：撞钟计。妞儿寂寞了，总是难免红杏出墙，所以你要时常恐固。做一天和尚撞一天钟，泡一天MM就要多讨好一天MM，不过现在MM挺复杂的，你就是天天临幸她，她也难免对别的GG投怀送抱，不过你对她好一点，她对别的GG投怀的次数少一点。长叹！这世道，出墙少的MM就是好MM，555
　　
　　第三十五计：存酒计。郎君从来不会把酒储在一处，否则会酒到喝时尽空瓶，常用的方法是，某处存酒A，某处存酒B，某处……妞到用时方恨少，时常需要诸备一些备用。某处存MM甲，某处存MM乙，某处……
　　
　　第三十六计：飞翼计。苏东坡向侄女这样解释泡妞：“事如春梦了无痕”。李白说得狠：“事了拂衣去，深藏身与名”。GG常吟的一句诗，万花丛中过，片叶不沾身。郎君深明此理，所以将此计为压卷之计，三十六计，走都嫌慢，还是飞来得快！

笑话领悟人生

2009-05-30T00:29:00.003+10:00

父子二人看到一辆十分豪华的进口轿车。儿子不屑地对他的父亲说：“坐这种车的人，肚子里一定没有学问！”父亲则轻描淡写地回答：“说这种话的人，口袋里一定没有钱！”

你对事情的看法，是不是也反映出你内心真正的态度？
晚饭后，母亲和女儿一块儿洗碗盘，父亲和儿子在客厅看电视。突然，厨房里传来打破盘子的响声，然后一片沉寂。儿子望着他父亲，说道：“一定是妈妈打破的。”“你怎么知道？”“她没有骂人。”

我们习惯以不同的标准来看人看己，以致往往是责人以严，待己以宽。
有两个台湾观光团到日本伊豆半岛旅游，路况很坏，到处都是坑洞。一位导游连声说路面简直像麻子一样。而另一个导游却诗意盎然地对游客说：“我们现在走的正是赫赫有名的伊豆迷人酒窝大道。”

虽是同样的情况，然而不同的意念，就会产生不同的态度。思想是何等奇妙的事，如何去想，决定权在你。
同样是小学三年级的学生，他们将来的志愿同是当小丑。中国老师斥之为：“胸无大志，孺子不可教也！”外国老师则会说：“愿你把欢笑带给全世界！”

身为长辈的我们，不但要求多于鼓励，更以狭窄界定了成功的定义。
妻子正在厨房炒菜。丈夫在她旁边一直唠叨不停：“慢些、小心！火太大了。赶快把鱼翻过来、油放太多了！”妻子脱口而出：“我懂得怎样炒菜。”丈夫平静地答道：“我只是要让你知道，我在开车时，你在旁边喋喋不休，我的感觉如何……”

学会体谅他人并不困难，只要你愿意认真地站在对方的角度和立场看问题。
一辆载满乘客的公共汽车沿着下坡路快速前进着，有一个人在后面紧紧追赶着这辆车子。一个乘客从车窗中伸出头来对追车子的人说：“老兄！算啦，你追不上的！”“我必须追上它，”这人气喘吁吁地说：“我是这辆车的司机！”

有些人必须非常认真努力，因为不这样的话，后果就十分悲惨了！然而也正因为必须全力以赴，潜在的本能和不为人知的特质终将充分展现出来。
甲：“新搬来的邻居好可恶，昨天晚上三更半夜跑来猛按我家的门铃。”乙：“的确可恶！你有没有马上报警？”甲：“没有。我当他们是疯子，继续吹我的小喇叭。”

事出必有因，如果能先看到自己的不是，答案就会不一样。
张三在山间小路开车，正当他悠哉地欣赏美丽风景时，突然迎面开来的货车司机摇下窗户大喊一声：“猪！”张三越想越气，也摇下车窗大骂：“你才是猪！”刚骂完，他便迎头撞上一群过马路的猪。

不要错误地诠释别人的好意，那只会让自己吃亏，并且使别人受辱。
小男孩问爸爸：“是不是做父亲的总比做儿子的知道得多？”爸爸回答：“当然啦！”

“电灯是谁发明的？”“爱迪生。”“那爱迪生的爸爸怎么没有发明电灯？”

权威往往只是一个经不起考验的空壳子，尤其在现今这个多元开放的时代。
小明洗澡时不小心吞下一小块肥皂，他的妈妈慌慌张张地打电话给家庭医生求助。医生说：“我现在还有几个病人在，可能要半小时后才能赶过去。”小明妈妈说：“在你来之前，我该做什么？”医生说：“给小明喝一杯白开水，然后用力跳一跳，你就可以让小明用嘴巴吹泡泡消磨时间了。”

事情既然已经发生了，何不坦然自在地面对。担心不如宽心，穷紧张不如穷开心。
一把坚实的大锁挂在大门上，一根铁杆费了九牛二虎之力，还是无法将它撬开。钥匙来了，他瘦小的身子钻进锁孔，只轻轻一转，大锁就“啪”地一声打开了。

每个人的心，都像上了锁的大门，任你再粗的铁棒也撬不开。惟有关怀，才能把自己变成一把细腻的钥匙，进入别人的心中。

In English, i.e., soft words can open the hardest door.

Evolution Different Countries

2009-05-28T21:05:00.002+10:00

Susan Boyle International Sensation in semi final Britains Got Talent

2009-05-26T21:57:00.014+10:00

Midnight

Not a sound from the pavement

Has the moon lost her memory?

She is smiling alone

In the lamp light

The withered leaves collect at my feet

And the wind begins to moan

Every street lamp

Seems to beat a fatalistic warning

Someone mutters

And the street lamp gutters

And soon it will be morning

Daylight

I must wait for the sunrise

I must think of a new life

And I musn't give in

When the dawn comes

Tonight will be a memory too

And a new day will begin

Touch me

It's so easy to leave me

All alone with the memory

Of my days in the sun

If you touch me

You'll understand what happiness is

Look

A new day has begun

Cut to the Chaser - The boys are back and they're gunning for new targets

2009-05-24T22:15:00.005+10:00

Reucassel said the new PM has comic potential, but no in the way he thinks

"Kevin thinks he's a comedian - and he's wrong," he says. "He does a lot of gags but they're not funny."

"He's an angry young man. If you bring him the wrong food, he's exploding. If you bring him the wrong hair dryer, he's exploding. If we get him at the right time, he might blow up."

But despite Rudd's potential, The Chaser finds him a harder target to reach than Howard.

...

with Reucassel and Colleague Julian Morrow being arrested in Rome for flying a blimp over the Vatican City.

...

"The was an article in the paper about a woman who's been before the Italian courts for about 10 years - there are two levels of appeal there - so, hopefully, we can stretch it out and maybe just retire to an Italian jail."

"The Italians have got a different sort of policing - there were 20 or 30 people in the room all shouting at each other with a lot of gesturing and no one really talking to us."

He said he was disappointed not be arrested by the Pope's Swiss Guards.

"If you get arrested by them or even had them in the back of the shot it's already comedy because those clothes are hysterical. But sadly, it wasn't the Swiss Guard, it was the Italian police."

While The Chaser boys have been taking aim at fresh targets overseas they are prepared to offer an olive branch to an old enemy back at home: Today Tonight.

"We might have to declare a truce, it might be the war on everything - except Today Tonight," Reucassel says. "It's got to the point where we've sneaked into their offices, they've won court case against us - really the only next step would be assassination and I don't know if the current host is worth assassination - it'd be a waste of a bullet, really."

"We'll see, if seven weeks in we're running out of ideas and you see a current affairs host assassinated, you'll know it was us."

How to be cool

2009-05-23T12:12:00.002+10:00

Air New Zealand, world best airline

2009-05-23T10:52:00.012+10:00

Have nothing to hide

Song "Under my skin" from Gin Wigmore her album "Extended Play EP"...

乞丐

2009-05-18T12:46:00.000+10:00

一乞丐在街头行乞，这时，一个人走来，他看了看乞丐说：“你身强力壮，又没有残疾，凭啥要我给你钱？”

乞丐大怒，说：“难道为了向你讨几个臭钱，我还要把自己弄成残疾不成？”

一张纸, 一辈子

2009-05-17T21:51:00.001+10:00

出生一张纸, 开始一辈子;

毕业一张纸, 奋斗一辈子;

婚姻一张纸, 折磨一辈子;

做官一张纸, 斗争一辈子;

金钱一张纸, 辛苦一辈子;

荣誉一张纸, 虚名一辈子;

看病一张纸, 痛苦一辈子;

悼词一张纸, 了结一辈子;

淡化这些纸, 明白一辈子;

忘了这些纸, 快乐一辈子!

Comments in Source Codes

2009-05-15T18:10:00.011+10:00

Reading source codes is a lot of fun, especially when you are reading other guys' codes...

// summary:
// Class used to work around Richard being a
// fucking idiot
//
// remarks:
// The point of this is to work around his poor
// design so that paging will
// work on a mobile control. The main problem is the
// BindCompany() method,
// which he hoped would be able to do everything.
// I hope he dies.
// I dedicate all this code, all my work, to my wife,
// Darlene, who will
// have to support me and our three children and the
// dog once it gets
// released into the public.
// Magic. Do not touch.
return 1; # returns 1
/*
* This is O(scary), but seems quick enough
* in practice.
*/
/*
* You may think you know what the following code does.
* But you dont.
* Fiddle with it, and youll spend many a sleepless
* night cursing the moment you thought youd be clever
* enough to "optimize" the code below.
* Now close this file and go play with something else.
*/
// When I wrote this, only God and I understood what
// I was doing
// Now, God only knows
// This is craptacular!
And finally, there is no one comes as close as this. The only comments in a big chunk of complicated codes are:

...

// Trust me

Job Interview Question

2009-05-15T16:01:00.002+10:00

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

...
...
...
...
...
...

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

去年此时, 今年此时

2009-05-15T15:29:00.002+10:00

去年此时咱在外面躲地震,
今年此时咱在家里躲流感;
去年此时没事别呆在家里,
今年此时没事别呆在外面;
去年此时回国立即去救灾,
今年此时回国马上遭隔离;
去年此时让我们彼此拥抱,
今年此时让我们戴上口罩;
去年此时猪坚强,
今年此时猪疯狂。

New Dudd Government Seal

2009-05-13T17:27:00.007+10:00

Official Announcement From Kevin Dudd:

The federal government today announced, soon after Budget 2009 released, that it is changing the coat of arms to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance...

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Amazing Scrabble

2009-05-11T15:04:00.004+10:00

Someone out there either has too much spare time moving around letters or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY